Greetings Earthlings!

Christmas break is coming soon. This is very good because this means no school, no homework, and no falling asleep in class. It's too cold to do outdoor activities though. Can we celebrate Christmas in the spring? Personally, I will spend my Christmas in the Bahamas. If I can't go there, I will spend my Christmas inside drinking hot chocolate, reading a good book. I will also play a lot of snofalblot with my family. Most people are excited to go home after their hectic lives. Then they stay home for a day and go stir crazy and have to leave the house and go shopping. Shopping can be a very expensive hobby. So here are some ideas on how to enjoy being in the house: 1. Play tidilywankers. If you're not familiar with the rules, look it up on the galactic internet. 2. Pillow fights, they're always fun. 3. Make up stories with your family. No matter how far-fetched it sounds, I can think of a planet that that can happen on. 4. Bake cookies to bring to people, ...

Christmas is a time of getting while the getting is still good...Wait wait wait...I have just been told that it is a time of giving. That surprises me with how people act. Still, I'll go with giving. It's good to give, unless you're giving them a punch in the nose, the flu, or a Razor Shark. I also don't recommend giving someone fried Taser Eels; pizza is better. Yet, Christmas is a time to give, usually useless overpriced items that nobody needs. Instead of giving people useless junk for Christmas, give them something they might actually like; unless they're kids, then all they want is useless junk. A few hours of free babysitting makes a very good gift, as does delivering dinner on a busy day. You can play with kids. They probably will enjoy that more than the toy. You can visit the elderly. You can always feed the poor, although I'm not sure what you're suppose to feed them to. HongerBeast don't find them meaty enough; and Pooch is a vegetarian. H...

Earthlings seem to think that their children need lots of toys, and that those toys should be expensive. There are lots of different types of children's toys. There are the annoying and obnoxious toys, that make you want to claw your ears out because they're so loud and play the same song over and over and over again. We can only listen to Mary had a Little Lamb so many times. You can buy a really expensive toy for them, and they play with the box. You can also buy them a cheap toy that breaks in five minutes, or you can buy an expensive toy that breaks in five minutes. Many toys now are made to sell products. You can buy a blue dress or a blue dress with Elsa on it for twice as much. You can buy a shirt for your son or a shirt with spider man on it for five times the price. Many children's books are just product placement, and so are many movies. Producers might as well call their children's movie "Buy Our Stuff." Here are my best ideas on children's ...

If my advice from yesterday didn't work, then here's advice on how to handle your break up. Too many people do cruel and illegal things to their ex's; such as vandalizing his(or her) car. So here are some things to do if you break up: 1. Give him a nice gift, like 40 pigs. Then his yard will smell as badly as he does. 2. Give him a dog that is trained to attack any time he says your name. He'll stop saying bad things about you quickly. 3. Send him a nice box of chocolate. Then after he finishes them,  tell him they were chocolate covered ants. 4. Sign him up for America's Got Talent, so he can show everyone how bad he is at it. 5. Send him some scented candles: eau de skunk, dirty diaper, and sweaty gym socks. 6. Instead of vandalizing his car, fill it with packing peanuts. 7. Send a letter to Pluto in his name saying he really want to join their society, and would they please come pick him up. 8. Put his name on all the single sites i...

Like on earth, my people get married. Unlike earth, my people don't get divorced, remarried, divorced again, and seek eternal vengeance on their ex's soul. We would never do something like that; we just mail them a StinkRat. Earthlings are always trying to make relationships stay together. Personally, I would recommend duct tape. On my planet, when a couple is thinking of a divorce, we drop them in a pit of Viperous Winged Dogs. They reconcile really quickly. Since you don't have Viperous Winged Dogs, hear are some ways to keep a relationship together: 1.Make a prenuptial agreement, that you will go skinny dipping with Razor sharks before you get divorced. 2. Duct tape yourself to your spouse. 3. Use a car battery to put a spark back in your relationship. 4. Decide all arguments with a game of Twister. 5. Spend all your money; you won't be able to afford a divorce. 6. Have lots of children. You won't see your spouse to fight. 7. Don't ...

It is supposed to snow today. I think I'll stay inside. What's the point of a snow day if you don't have Solkeon Snow Monsters to ride? And we've already established that Plutonians won't visit this year. Snow is very inconvenient. Earthlings drive cars, and snow slows down traffic. It also causes more car accidents. Lets make a no snow zone on the road. Snow can fall on the yards, it can fall on the roof, but it really ought to stay off the road. We need to file a complaint to the national weather committee. You have that, right? If it has to snow, then here are some fun activities to make the snow day more bearable: 1. Build a snowman--out of mashed potatoes, in your house, under a blanket. Marshmallows work too. 2. Go sledding--down your stairs, in a sleeping bag, in your house. 3. Make snow angels--out of cookies, in the kitchen, with the oven on. 4. Make a snow fort--out of couch cushions and pillows. 5. Have a snow ball fight--with rolled up socks,...

Divelians are a race from another planet with a love for theatrics. Seriously, you can't ask to borrow some Sogtop eggs without it becoming a production number. Just don't believe anything that they tell you. I learned this the hard way. The whole city played along with it just to pull my leg. I spent a hundred years thinking that mirrors made them melt. Even to this day, they call me Mirror Boy. I mentioned that Divelians like to convince earthlings they're gods. In fact, they had a centennial competition to see who could convince earthling of the weirdest things. Winners included the Egyptian goddess of cats who turned into a cow when she got angry, the origin of the Greek goddess of love, the Egyptian prince dying every night, and so many more bizarre things in mythologies. Fortunately, the Divelians have moved their competition to another planet. That's good, because I don't think that earthlings want to believe that trees contain the souls of their ancestor...

People think that Santa Clause is a fat guy that rides a magic sleigh pulled by 8 magic reindeer and jumps down chimneys to give kids presents. The truth is much easier to believe. The Plutonians are a colony of ice-dwelling creatures that came here from a planet that was destroyed by war, so the Plutonians are all pacifists. They are also extremely organized and efficient workers. The Plutonians used to visit every winter to enjoy the warm air. If you have ever seen a crazy person in swim trunks in the snow, that's a Plutonian. A certain Plutonian was friends with Saint Nick. In fact, if you ever heard of the legend of Saint Nicholas, you probably know that Saint Nick threw coins into the home of a woman who was about to get married, and it landed in her stocking. What you didn't know is that that they were Plutonians (the couple). They were so grateful, that they wanted to keep the legend alive forever, or at least for the next thousand or two years. Santa, or Grograns as t...

Earthlings think that they live on the only planet with the only intelligent life. That's so cute, and so laughable. But what they don't realize is that they hardly count as intelligent life. Most planets containing life have species that have far greater intelligence than humans. They're also less violent. I don't get the deal of martians. Actually your closest neighbors are Plutonians, and they're mad that earthlings don't consider them a planet any more. That's why they stopped visiting, except for Santa Clause. He still comes around; he's weird. I love visiting KX3 on my way to earth. The people there are very nice, as long as you bring them something to eat; otherwise they will eat you. I found this out the hard way, and almost lost a limb. But really they are absolutely delightful when they're full. The people of Alceron are very intelligent, and very very good cooks. The only problem is that if you go there, they will feed you, a lo...

Buying gifts can be a difficult and stressful thing. People think that buying gifts for girls is simple because they can always buy chocolates, jewelry, or a pretty sweater. It's not that simple. Does the girl like dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Is she going to make assumptions about the relationship based off the jewelry? Be very wary about clothes. If a guy give a girl a sweater and it's the wrong size, then he's saying she's fat, or making her feel fat. If a guy doesn't spend enough  money on her, he's cheap, but if he spends too much money, he wasted it. Men aren't supposed to buy something practical for his girlfriend; that's not romantic enough. But if he buys some impractical, she will never use it. Food gifts are out, because she could be on a diet. Perfumes are out because she could be allergic. Bath salts are out because that indicates that she smells bad. Pretty much, everything is out, but you still have to buy a gift. Guys are easy to ...

It's almost Christmas, but I heard that on earth that it is not politically correct to say Christmas. So instead I'll say "It's almost a non-denominational winter holiday." So according to political correctness we can't say Merry Christmas. Instead we're supposed to say "Happy holidays" or "Seasons greetings." According to political correctness we light up our Holiday trees, while singing winter songs, and watching shows like "Frosty the Snowperson," "How the Grinch Stole a Very Festive Event," "White Winter" and "A Holiday Carol." After that we read "Twas the Night Before December 25." The children await Santa Claus. But we can't speak his name, because he is a white guy who oppresses elves for a living and judges children, which determines if they get presents. What happened to equality? shouldn't all children get the same number of presents, and have the same presents? ...

People say they want world peace, but they don't know how to get it. It's like a lot of things humans want--they can picture the goal, but they don't know how to get there. Just like how people say they want to be a pop star, but have no idea how to make it happen. Many humans want to lose weight but don't know how to do it. Since world peace is such a noble goal, and coming from a world with world peace (kind of), might I suggest some methods to bring it? 1. Bring a powerful monster to earth. You will be too busy fighting it to fight each other. That's how my planet does it. 2. Isolate everyone on the planet. There won't be any fights. 3. Hijack everyone's brain and make them pacifists. 4. Teach people to kill their enemies with kindness, or pizza. 5. Get Big-macs and Baywatch to bring the world together. 6. Replace all military weapons with bubble swords and confetti guns. In time, war will come to mean party. 7. Before going to war, have a f...

Human legends talk about mythical creatures. These vary from dragons to gargoyles to centaurs. Many of these creatures actually exist on my planet, but they can be very different.  Griffins aren't half lion; they're half house cat. The main difference is they're smaller. Griffins use feathered flight, which has a weight limit of about 30 pounds. Do you think you can ride them? Then there are the dragons, vary majestic animals, when they start doing stuff. Most of the time they're very lazy, but when they are active, everything runs for cover. My town was built by a sleeping dragon, and it's still asleep. A basilisk is a monster that turns you into stone. Don't worry it doesn't turn your into actual stone. It just petrifies you for a week and turns your skin gray. Gargoyles are stone, or at least they're skin is. Don't let appearances fool you; they're very nice, until you attack, then they swarm you like an ant hill or a bee hive. ...

On this planet there is something called snow, when it is very cold. On my planet we don’t have cold. What we call cold is 80 degrees, so our temperatures are hot, hotter, and death. In heat you feel like you’re going to melt, but in cold you feel like you’re an icicle, not that you feel like your going to turn into an icicle, you actually feel like an icicle. Since I am not used to the cold I have found ten ways to beat it: 1. Burn your homework, turn off the smoke alarms first. Homework is an excellent source of paper. 2. Get a Razor Fang, it will keep your heart rate up and your life expectancy down, but you wont be cold. 3. Remember, give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day, set a man on fire he’s warm for the rest of his life. 4. Drink three cups of lava slushie. If you don’t have access to that, try hot chocolate. 5. Find a baby, girlfriend, porcupine, or other warm blooded creature and snuggle it. Don’t snuggle fish. I hear sleeping with them is undesirable. ...

The Christmas season has officially started. This means that people are madly running around buying presents, spending money they don't have on useless junk that nobody needs. Black Friday is a great deal, if you want to buy five things you don't need, so you can get two things you really don't need. You can get great deals on things that you absolutely don't need, but they convince you you can't live without, or on things that you do need or want, but break on Christmas day. Christmas shopping is really fun if you enjoy crowds and waiting in line for hours. If the store is crowded enough, it's like being in a roller derby or a demolition derby with carts instead of cars. On black Friday be sure to wear proper padding. I wear a hockey uniform. Here are some good gift ideas to remember while you're shopping: 1. Toilet paper. Everybody needs it. 2. Pizza and bacon. Who doesn't like it? 3. Cash. Need I say more? 4. A pillow. Who doesn't like...

It's Thanksgiving week, and so I thought that I would give some helpful advice on being thankful for your blessings. Here are some things to be thankful for: 1. Be thankful that your bills are paid and that food is on the table. If your bills aren't paid, still be thankful that there's food on the table. If there's no food on your table, be thankful that you're breathing. If you're not breathing, seek medical attention. 2. Be thankful for your friends, your family, and all the people who have made a positive impact on your life. 3. Be thankful that you're alive. Less than 5% of all the people who have been born are still alive. If you're dead, and you're still reading this post, that's totally cool, and be thankful that there is an afterlife that you can read this post from. 4. Be thankful for clothes to wear, especially if they're clean. 5. Be thankful for all books, movies, games, and entertainment. Unless you're one of those ...

Humans have a day that they give thanks for all their blessings, by stuffing their face like greedy pigs. Thanksgiving was made by the pilgrims to say thanks to God for the great harvest, but that's not politically correct. Now Thanksgiving is the day of stuffing your face, and cooking, if you call it cooking when you're buying the food already prepared or in cans. Often the day is called turkey day because people mostly think about turkey, not giving thanks. Thanksgiving is also a big football day, because nothing says gratitude like yelling at a TV. Your whole family can yell together. And eating the chips stretches your stomach for dinner.  Then it's Black Friday, which starts on Thursday, and continues from there. People all rush to the store to buy as much as they can, and sometimes they even trample other people. Because, what other way to give thanks than to trample people in an attempt to get cheap stuff? Farewell, and may you be thankful for more than ...

Earthlings have homes made of wood, or brick. My house is made of steel and reinforced concrete. If I tried to make my house out of wood or brick, even a Salyon could eat it. My house also has an orb on the roof. It makes a high frequency, designed to repel Askornons. They could eat the house in one bite. I also have a large courtyard; it's full of all my pets, livestock, and children. The children aren't mine. I just borrow them to eat the slugs. It's a great alternative to eating each other. Inside the house, there are lots of Slakmumor, very useful proto parasites. The interior of my house is lined in Sakalon fur. It keeps it warm in the winter, and very comfortable. Here are some suggestions if you ever come to my planet: 1. Always lick the doormat when you enter a home. 2. Don't feed the animals, the children, or the robots. They work better off oil and batteries than hot dogs. 3. Don't pet the children until they have eaten ten slugs (or two tickle ...

Humans have something called being sick. I really don't recommend it. It's not fun at all; yet their bodies do it anyway. On my planet we have lots of proto-parasites, parasites for parasites. Although, earth doesn't have that many proto-parasites, humans can be sick for several hours to a few days. I don't see why people would want to stay sick for that long. Some people when they're sick take medicine to mask the symptoms; other people lie in bed and cry like a little baby. I think the best way to go when your sick is to watch movies and eat ice cream. In fact, I think I will stop writing and go eat ice cream; but before I do, I'll give you some suggestions on how to not get sick: 1. Have a pet proto-parasite. Make sure it wont eat you. 2. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so eat right, exercise, and pet a Galigor, because not even a sickness will want to be around you if you smell that bad. 3. A good exercise for health is to run fr...

Many earthlings like to spend money for a small chance to make more money. The interesting thing about it is that earthlings will continue to do so no matter how much money they lose. For every $100 people put in, the casino will give them $90 - $99 back. People seldom stop when they're ahead, or when they're behind; they just continue playing until they're broke. I don't understand this; why don't they engage in gladiatorial combat for the cash? It would be much more interesting. Many people think of gambling as a way to get money. Are they stupid? If you walk into a ritzy casino, where do you think they got all that money from? It wasn't charity. Gambling is mathematically calculated to be addicting. There are 38 sections on a roulette wheel: 1 - 36 in red and black, and two green sections. If there is a 50% chance of success, then betting on red or black is perfectly fair, but the chance of success is slightly below that, because of the two green sections. ...

There are two types of people in this world: morning people, and night people. If you tell a morning person to go somewhere at 4:00 AM, he will say, "That's earlier than usual." The night person will say, "I don't think I can stay up that late." Morning people get up early in the morning make their breakfast and sing a happy little morning song. Meanwhile the night person mumbles at them to be quiet, and covers his head with a pillow. Then the morning person tries to wake up the night person, and the night person makes a sound like the mating call of a hippo; so the night person finally gets up and walks around like a zombie. The morning person then ask the night person, "Would you like eggs and bacon, waffles, or freshly squeezed orange juice?" The night person answers by falling asleep on his food. The morning person screams in the night person's ear, "Get up! It's time for breakfast." Sixteen hours latter, the tables have tur...

On earth , people have made zoos to make it so they're a safe distance from all the animals who want to eat them. I love this idea. I'm going to tell my people about it. I went to the zoo yesterday, and I saw some truly terrifying creatures, and some truly adorable creatures. The rhinoceros was adorable. Sure, it tried to impale me, but I just jumped out of the way. The bunny at the petting zoo was truly terrifying. It scratched and bit, and that's not all. I't was fast. I can't believe they let kid's play with them. The alligators weren't cute or scary. They just looked dumb. The zoo had a lot of cats that you can't repel with water. That's terrifying. Then I had to address the elephant in the zoo. Is the elephant seriously the biggest land animal on your planet? I've seen birds bigger than that on my planet. I also saw a slug. It's such a magnificent creature, so unique! How does a blob-like creature have so many organs? Then someone told...

Some humans are happy; most are pretending to be happy on social media. Humans talk about finding happiness in friendship, love, and being satisfied with who they are. Then they go to their high stress jobs, read magazines that tell them that they're not good enough, and argue with strangers on Facebook. Humans seem to know what will make them happy, but don't know how to do it. Ask any human. Every human has a dream, but most of them haven't figured out how to make their dream come true. It might help them if they had more realistic goals, instead of becoming a princess or a pop star, become president of the United States, or riding a dragon. On my planet most people consider themselves happy if they're still alive. So maybe I can give some tips on how to be happy: 1. Instead of finding everything wrong in your life, count your blessings. If you can't think of any blessings, order a pizza and count your toppings. 2. Instead of arguing with strangers online, l...

Humans think they can successfully steal an animal's DNA, and shove it into a plant without making shambling mounds (If you're not familiar with this, look it up in the D&D Monster manual). Scientists still don't fully understand DNA or the organisms anywhere, but they are trying to manipulate both. We have been trying to make plants better with GMO's, but we just make it worse. We have made plants that make their own pesticides; if you're going to poison yourself do it with small amounts of Iocane powder daily until you're immune to it. But don't worry; GMO's are safety tested by companies with no conflict of interest, except they make millions off of it. GMO manufacturers don't like the fact that most people find GMO's disturbing. What's so disturbing about a plant that has been changed with a virus to make poison? What's the worst that could happen? Other than sickness and death. Don't think of them as lab created Frankenfood...

Earthlings have a lot of conversations. Of course none of them are face to face. People seem to prefer having conversations with their thumbs, rather then their mouths. People like texting so much that they'll text someone in the same room. Because, why would someone turn his head 90 degrees, formulate sounds to make words, and make those words into sentences when he could just send a text? These seem to be the rules of social media: 1. Your self worth is determined by how many likes your latest selfie got. 2. If someone disagrees with you, the mature response is to insult them, unfriend them, and block them. 3. proper grammar syntax punctuation and speling r overrated 4. Profanity makes you sound sophisticated and intelligent. 5. Always mock those with different opinions. 6. Cat videos are divinely created, and must be shared. Might I suggest some better rules: 1. Ignore all idiots, they're not worth your time. 2. If you wish to avoid controversy, don't p...

In my visit to earth I've been able to live like a boy scout. Most boy scout meetings seem to go something like this: long boring speech, long boring speech, something interesting, long boring speech, refreshments. Scout leaders seem to think that the longer the speech, the more special it is, when the boys would rather skip to refreshments. Boy scouts go to scout camp, which is basically a place to buy merritt badges. Environmental science takes three months to complete on your own, but at scout camp it takes a week. You can also go on camp outs, and get poison ivy. They also try to make camp outs as elaborate as they can, then nothing happens. I've found that 80% of all eagle projects are construction, and the other 20% involve hiking paths, or homeless shelters. Plus there's a chance that whatever you make will be torn down. The eagle project is usually considered the hardest part of becoming an eagle, but I say it's the paper work. The official purpose of scouts i...

It is odd that everything earthlings make is breakable. As technology improved, things have become more breakable. Take phones for example, if you drop a old fashioned phone it will receive no damage. Drop the latest iPhone you'll get a very different result. It is odd that given modern advancements in technology, things are more likely to break. If you like TV, than you likely have DVD's, you probably also noticed that DVD's only work if they're clean and not scratched.  Laptops and tablets tend to break very easily, and all technology will break if you pour water on it. Are we sure that with all the modern advancements, that we can't make a smart Phone last for a year, or a children's toy that last for a day? It is for this reason that some people think it is intentional. When some piece of technology breaks, you ether have to pay someone to fix it, or pay someone to replace it. It is also cheaper to make something breakable, but that doesn't mean that ...

Earthlings seem to have something called advertisements. The message of an advertisement is, "You are not happy, or at least not as happy as you could be, so buy our junk." Advertisements will often show things that have nothing to do with what they sell, like clothing adds with little to no clothing. Some companies sell their product by putting celebrities on their product. I'm not quite sure what Captain America has to do with a parent's choice of breakfast cereal. Many advertisements are very misleading, like soda adds often use skinny models, even though soda contributes to obesity. And food on the poster looks nothing like food in the package. I would love to see what adds would look like if they were honest:  Buy our smartphone; it will be outdated by tomorrow. Buy our underwear; it won't look this good on you. Buy our cereal; it has nothing to do with Elsa, but your daughter will whine for it until you cave. Buy our beer because our comme...

Apparently earthlings have creatures called shoulder angels and shoulder devils. I find these creatures similar to shoulder dragons from my planet, except the shoulder angel tells you to do good things, the shoulder devil tells you to see what you can get away with, but the shoulder dragon mostly talks about food. If you're wondering if you should cheat on a test, your shoulder angel says no, your shoulder devil says yes. Meanwhile I'm dealing with my shoulder dragon, saying "Put a little salt on the teacher. I'll do the rest." Shoulder dragons are rather hard to deal with, because they give some odd advice. Here are some examples:  If you ask them all "How should I impress this girl?"  The angel says, "Bring her flowers." The devil says "Go for the bad boy attitude." And the dragon says, "Bite her." If you're under-charged at the store, your angel says, "Return the money." Your devil says. "Keep the m...

Today is a holiday know as Halloween. It seems that this holiday is about giving kids candy so they can annoy their parents and siblings. Kids often whine about the costumes they want, then whine about the costumes they get. The ninja soldier costume isn't as cool as they thought it would be, and the fairy princess costume is itchy. Then they go around the neighborhood begging for candy. By the time they eat their seventeenth candy bar, they've become little noisy holy terrors of doom and destruction, who will not go to bed on time. The holiday is really just an excuse to eat candy. So, on Halloween you want to dress up as something scary, but not too scary; we wouldn't want to scare our little angels. Also give them lots of candy, but not too much candy; we wouldn't want to harm their teeth or make them sick. Halloween is about teaching you kids important lessons, like how to beg, how to be greedy, and how to eat yourself sick. I am considering going in my true form...

Humans like the idea that giant fire-breathing, flying, lizards exist. A lot of them like the idea that they're evil, and like to capture princesses. I don't see why princesses would taste better than anyone else. Does royal blood taste better? And what about girls? They always capture females; they also seem to prefer pretty females. I've never seen the hero rescue an ugly old man. Am I the only one who's confused about this? Why are dragons often seen as evil? I think they're cute, and they don't even eat each other. Dragons also seem to to horde treasure. They seem to have no reason to like it, except they like shiny things. So I think that if they lived in modern earth, they wouldn't horde money; that's not very shiny. Instead they would horde mirrors, jewelry, and iPhones. They wouldn't eat livestock, but the pizza delivery guys would be terrified of them. But I'm sure they'll be alright if they're not beautiful maidens. They migh...

Yesterday I went to a second grade school production. I still don't know who the villain was; I think it was the stinkbug, but she was adorable. The plot wasn't very strong--something about going to a picnic, but that's really all that happened. The characters weren't very developed; they only said one line each. I couldn't find their motivation. Why did they want to go to the picnic so much? Why did they not like the stinkbug? Why were there a disproportionate number of female butterflies and ladybugs? That makes no biological sense. Why are there spiders? They're not even bugs, they're arachnids. I asked someone if she understood the drama arc, but she looked at me as if I where a Mjank being eaten by a snail. I think there is something I'm missing, because all the parents thought it was great, and one even thought it was better than Broadway. No, I don't think so. Farewell, and may you never have to say "I am a maggot" in a show.

Super powers are grossly misunderstood. Super speed is the ability to go from zero to seven million in half a second. Now this is very unbelievable. The human body is incapable of surviving that much acceleration. If you instantly went at twenty MPH, you would need to go to the hospital immediately. Super strength isn't a power that would kill you if you use it, but it is also isn't shown right. Super strength only has one thing that they show wrong. If you have infinite strength that does not mean you can brake the laws of physics. You couldn't lift a house by the corner, punch a man the size of a building over without flying back yourself, or lift a car or train without ruining the body work. If you could read people's minds, you would have problems with people because of their thoughts, until you go insane. Then your insane; that's pretty bad. Flight is a power that wouldn't be that bad, if you don't fly that high up, but then what's the point of havi...

People seem to be buying a lot of costumes for Halloween. These costumes range from non scary things like zombies and ghosts, to really scary things like princesses and fairies. Princesses are expensive. Have you ever been on a date with one? They want the best gifts, to go to the best restaurants, and their security is intimidating. Fairies are even scarier, have you read mythology? They will kill you for fun, and that's the good fairies. Evil fairies will eat your life for fun. Zombies, even if they existed, could not harm anyone, because by the time they've reached you, they've decayed so mush that they could be killed with a stick; and a ghost can't harm anyone. The only thing you have to worry about is them telling people your secrets. I will tell you some alternatives to your costumes that are more terrifying. Instead of going as a skeleton, go as a tax auditor--now that's scary. Instead of going as a witch, go as a doctor with bad hand writing. Nobody woul...

On my planet manners are very simple, never let your neighbor get devoured by a Salypar, never let a Galeyon vampire into your house at meal time, never release a Calacarpatcon into you siblings room, and don't eat your kids. On earth, they seem to be more complicated. There are rules for every occasion. If you go to a dinner party, you can't slurp your soup, chew with your mouth open, or fall asleep on your food. Yet people still get confused and mistake their spoons for shovels. Many people move as close as they can to their food, and move the spoon as fast as they can, as if they were in a speed eating contest. Humans put a lot of emphasis on dressing, but not enough to have everyone dress right. Go to an opera, you'll find people dressed from gowns and gloves, to shorts and a t-shirt.  Here are some manners that will bring you far in life:  1. Never chew on people, it is never appropriate to chew on people. They don't taste good anyway. 2. Always wear clo...

Earthlings have a weird holiday known as a birthday. What is the accomplishment of living one more year on earth? It's really not that hard. You don't have Slagsfut eating your house, Magmar setting you on fire, and you don't even have Lightning-bugs that shoot lightning. If we had birthdays on my planet, we would have the whole day to build robots. On earth, people celebrate their birthdays with parties. The party gets a theme, like unicorns, pirates, pirate unicorns, or pizza. Out of those choices, I'd get the pizza. Sometimes parents will rent out party places or giant inflatables, and spend a lot of money. Then there are presents, because a giant inflatable, ice cream, cake, and friends aren't enough to celebrate surviving one more year. Presents can't be simple, like a ball, or some blocks. They have to be elaborate and expensive, like an iPhone for a eight-year old. I recently went to a two-year old's party, where they spent hundreds of dollars, ren...

Guns are mechanisms that people use to shoot people. On my planet we don't use something as barbaric as a gun. We use laser guns, or disintegration rays which don't leave any mess or evidence. The interesting thing about guns, is that people are so scared of them. If there is a shooting, then people are up in arms and call for bans on guns, but you are more likely to die from a car then a gun. Yet, no one is calling for a ban on cars. We could replace cars with Slangarion Cheetah Monkeys. They are much more fun to ride. I hope they aren't toxic to humans. Drowning is the leading cause of accidental death in human children, but people aren't calling for a ban on swimming pools, bathtubs or toilets. OK, bathtubs and toilets I'm OK with, but swimming pools are a necessity. How many people die from falling? Where are the calls to ban mountains, trees, and rooftops? You're 64 times more likely to die from your doctor then a gun, so where are the calls to ban doctors?...

People seem to like the idea that dead rotting corpses will eat their brains and destroy the world. It's in their literature everywhere. Often they will try to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, and forget to study for their math test. Many of them talk about preparing for the zombie apocalypse, but don't prepare or study. Instead, they turn on the TV and watch more brains be devoured. Personally, I would rather watch someone eat a pizza. Speaking of pizzas..."Hello, Dominoes..." OK, I'm back. Now, I'm not worried about the zombie apocalypse, I've got my pet RazorFang. If he can hold off a swarm of Poisonous Razor tails, he can hold off a zombie horde. My robot can still get food for me--it has no brains to eat. For the rest of you, the way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to live next to someone with tastier brains than yours; make a bunker with a ten years supply of food, water, and toilet paper; and use your ears, and common sense. Or you could study...

Fall is said to be a beautiful season. Humans like to see the fall leaves change color, die, shrivel up  and fall. Then they have to spend hours cleaning up the leaves from their yards. Then children jump in the leaf piles, and more leaves fall in the yard, leaving more hours of work. Some people love the fall weather; I think they're crazy, or they just want an excuse to drink hot chocolate. I don't quite get this. Maybe if I drink more hot chocolate I'll understand the festive season. Fall is also buy my stupid junk season. Just go to any major store, you will see Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving supplies, and Christmas decorations. I find it weird that you can find skeletons and disembodied hands one aisle over from angels and stars. You can also find whole aisles devoted to candy, great deals on turkey, every pie under the sun, and plenty of hot chocolate. I take it back; this fall season is growing on me. Did you know that you can get Halloween themed marshmallows...

A salesmen is someone who is paid to not take no for an answer. This can be as annoying as the two-year old saying why, why, why, why, why. There are different types of salesmen. When you go to the store and you're looking for a salesmen, there are none to be found, but when you don't want one around, they follow you around like hungry dogs, and to lose them you must run around the washing machine three times, slide under a bench, and hide in the refrigerator. Next time I go, I'll bring my pet RazorFang. That will keep unwanted salesmen away. Then there are car salesmen. When you drive into the parking lot, there is a line of salesmen ready to pounce. When they do, instead of showing you to a car you might like, they take you to their office, make you spend as much time there as they can, and get information about you so they can send you junk mail. And then there are telemarketers. They're the salesmen that call you at the most inconvenient times, like at dinner, wh...

Cats are adorable little animals that bite you, scratch you, and tear up the furniture. People do not own cats, cats own humans. If you are a good pet, the cat might bring you a mouse or a dead bird. In return, you must provide food, shelter, and furniture to scratch up. I do not see why people get cats, as I have yet to figure out what purpose they serve. They don't fetch anything, they don't play with you, and they don't preform chores. In all fairness, you don't have to wash them, or clean up their poop.  Cats are gods among men, at least they think they are. Cats see themselves as deities who exist to be served. Cats like to sit in everything, be it a bag of chips, your laptop, a cup, a box, or your underwear. I think cats are classified as liquids. For some reason cats seem to like yarn. A single ball of yarn is a toy that can be played with for hours. For some reason they like this plant called catnip. I had the misfortune of planting some in my yard; now I hav...

Dogs are a lot like children, except you don't have to pay for their college or take them on vacation. They can be cute and snugly, and also little demons, just like children. Both will pee on the carpet, play fetch, and tear up the furniture. Fortunately, if a dog is misbehaving, you can lock them outside. Unfortunately, doing it to children is not acceptable. With dogs there are many different breeds to choose from. With children you get what comes. There are many different types of dogs. They range in size from that of a large rodent, to the size of a small pony. Some look like fuzz balls. Some look like walking mops. Some look like dogs. Some look naked. Some even do chores, without you asking them to. Some are really dumb. Some are smarter then some humans I've met. Dogs are not like cats. Sure, they are both furry, smelly, and destructive, but that's where their similarities end. A dog thinks like this: "This person feeds me and cares for me. He must be Go...

Humans like keeping their turf clean, or at least they like to complain about it not being clean. When someone is about to come over, the host's first response is to clean everything in sight. If there is not time to clean, stashing everything in the closet, under the couch, or in the oven is the thing they do. I am living in a house of ten, which makes it impossible to clean. Especially since some of them are children. When we clean the den, they dump all the toys out of the boxes and brake all the crayons. Then as we clean that up. they dump a gallon of milk on the floor and eat cereal, off the floor. On my planet we have robots to clean. If someone is coming, we don't rush to clean--we cook. Children don't make messes ether; we tie them up in the basement until they're 21 and a half years old--OK I'm kidding. Our offspring don't make messes; we just need to keep them separate so they don't eat each other. I must admit, I'm impressed by human restrai...

I have recently seen some videos where humans have two fictional characters fight to the death. In light of this, I have decided to have my own matches. The first one is Superman vs Spider-man. Superman would usually win, except for the fact that he has an incredibly stupid weakness of a rock from his planet that everyone and their uncle has. You can buy it for five bucks on eBay. Spider-man probably has some, and therefore would win. The next match is Magneto vs Daffy Duck. One of Magneto's better attacks is to shoot you, but Daffy Duck has that happen to him on a regular basis. If Daffy Duck has survived all that Bugs has put him through, Magneto has no chance. Our third match is the Flash vs Roadrunner. Flash is slightly faster then Roadrunner, but Roadrunner can use an ACME device to draw a tunnel through the mountain and run through. Flash will crash; it works on the coyote. Next up is Galactus vs a monkey. Squirrel-girl beat him. A monkey can beat a squirrel. F...

Earthlings seem to really like planing events and projects with committees. If two people can accomplish twice what one person can, a committee can do half the work in twice the time. The committee is usually run by the man that thinks he's the smartest, but is really the loudest, and the dumbest. Some good ideas get introduced, but by the time the committee's done with them, they're completely unrecognizable. Thus, at the end of the meeting the smart person has to make everything happen, and the people who came up with the ideas don't bother with the small details. So the smart person ends up with a to do list like this: 1. Make three perpendicular parallel lines of three different colors with one pen. 2. Make a ritzy dinner with three sectioned plates, spaghetti, and plastic sporks. 3. Get fire eaters, aerial silks artists, and trapeze artists in a room with an eight-foot ceiling, where fire isn't allowed. 4. The decorations have to look like a fant...

Earthlings don't seem to understand cooking. On my planet it doesn't count as cooking from scratch unless you grind the grains, pick the fruit, and hunt the meat. Many humans don't know that flour comes from wheat berries, haven't picked fruit, and think that meat comes from Styrofoam trays. I watched an earthling cook from scratch. Here's how it went: 1. Look up recipe on phone. 2. Go to store and buy a box of cake mix, some pizza sauce, and some pre-made bread dough. 3. Put all ingredients into a bowl and mix. 4. Put it in a microwave until burnt. 5. Realize that container was not microwave proof and put out fire. 6. Swear loudly and blame the manufacturer of the container. 7. Order a pizza. 8. Eat chocolate until pizza arrives. Farewell and may the pizza man be a better cook than you.

I thought little brothers were strange; then I discovered little sisters. Wielders of ribbons and nail polish, these beasts can prettify an unsuspecting victim in a matter of minutes; and it will not just be the boy, the toys will pay to. I have discovered that action figures don't look good in tutus, the remote-control cars don't look good in heart stickers, and I don't look good in nail polish. With little brothers, all toys fight: dinosaurs fight; soldiers fight; dragons fight; Barbies fight; and matchbox cars explode. Girls have dinosaurs have tea party's with the dragons, the soldiers go on dates with the Barbies, and the cars kiss. I have recorded two children playing with toys. Guess who's the boy and who's the girl: Number 1. Joe got in his car to go to work, completely unaware that this was the last day of his life. Halfway down the street, the newly discovered Maximosaurus ate him, car and all, in one bite. The earth's militaries saw this as...

So the other day I followed a toddler around for ten minutes. In those ten minutes she went into the playroom and dumped all the toys out of the boxes, got herself chocolate milk and dumped it on the carpet, threw the toilet paper in the toilet, and got a bad case of marker pocks. I think a tornado would have done less damage. I didn't even mention what she did with the crayons. Then the mother came in and screamed. Then the toddler activated her survival mechanism. She looked at her mother with big eyes and said "I love you mommy." If toddler weren't so cute, they would never make it to three.  Human toddlers have volatile temperaments. One might ask for toast, so when his mom gets him toast, he throws it on the floor, screams "NO!!!" squirms on the floor like he's being tortured, continuously complains that you didn't get him what he wants, and when you ask him what he wants he repeats "toast". Then you get him another and this one...

I have found that many people have very limited vocabularies, and use four letter words a lot. I don't quite understand this. It doesn't help with clarity. It only makes people angry. They also use these words in movies fairly often. It's all they use in rap. I heard a song the other day that with blips it went something like this. *Beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* and *beep* *beep* *beep* in the *beep* *beep* *beep* or *beep* *beep* *beep* duck. This form of talking is inefficient, and only shows how low of a vocabulary one has. Might I suggest some other words with similar meaning? When looking for an insult, consider instead of calling him a *beep* *beep*, call him a dalcop which is an idiot, or a fopdoodle which is a fool; or you can use Shakespearean insults: "More of your conversation would infect my brain." "A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are tossed with." "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promi...

I have had the experience of reading to children on earth. If you are a parent you know the pain. Ween being read to, a child's favorite word is "again". When you finish reading a book to a child, they have you read it again, and again, and again, and...I think you get the point. This wouldn't be too terrible if the books were interesting the first time. However, they are stupid the first time and only get worse as they make you read it 563 times. Authors don't understand that rhyme and meter are not the same thing, and just because you have rhyme does not mean you have meter, content, or rhyme. Sometimes they don't understand rhyme, such as the fact that food and good don't rhyme, because English is... well.... English. Plus I haven't even gotten to the content. The content of these books varies from communist brainwashing, to ridiculous fluff, to straight up advertisements. Whats the point of reading a story if it doesn't make you buy every pr...

People tend to not use logic on this planet. If three people present an argument, and the first uses logic, the second uses rhetoric, and the third offers free pizza, the third wins. Real logic and science does not effect what people believe. Sometimes people appeal to logic and science without fully using ether. Logic is only as good as its assumptions. If I start with the assumptions that pigs are porcupines and that Slibores are edible, then I can come to some interesting conclusions. Science can be manipulated to mean whatever someone wants, especially if they payed for the study. Not that science isn't helpful, but with earths primitive technology, there are still so many things that you don't know. To prove a point, I'm going to set up my own study. There have been many studies saying that TV lowers your IQ, but people don't want to hear that, so let's say the opposite. I will do a study saying TV raises your IQ. The first part is to get a group of people a...

This planet has awesome bugs. I mean, come on, when you step on a spider, it doesn't explode or turn into a giant monster. The centipedes aren't five feet long, and don't spit acid; and the flies don't eat your brains. Insects on earth are more manageable, but they're still impressive. For example, ants can lift ten times their body weight, or a thousand times their body weight depending on the size. There are superheros who can't do that, which brings me to my next topic, how superheros save the day sometimes at the cost of their life. Ants do that too. They're braver than some humans. Some bugs are more civilized than some humans--some are not. Thank goodness bedbugs aren't human sized, and that humans don't act like Black Widows. At least I don't think they do; some widows look like they ate their husbands. Insects have some incredible if not bizarre superpowers. A cockroach can survive a nonnuclear bomb or being in a microwave for ten minu...

On my planet, everyone is expected to be able to build a robot by the time he's twelve. In order to do this, our schools must teach math, science, and problem solving. We focus on academics, which is very different from schools on this planet, which focus more on self-esteem. Here two plus two can equal five if you feel good about it. A solution doesn't have to work, as long as people feel good about it. Success doesn't matter to earthlings as much as effort. On my planet if you don't succeed, you end up as a HongerBeast's lunch. Earth students rely heavily on technology and not on their brains. People think they are so smart because they can use technology, but so can a two year old, a monkey, or a sleep-walking porcupine. Schools here don't focus on math, science, and literature. Instead they teach the four Cs, which are: critical thinking, communication, collaboration, and creativity; otherwise known as stuff that is so vaguely defined that it can mean anyt...

Arts are very different on earth than on my planet. On my planet art requires talent. Don't get me wrong, there are some very talented artists on earth, but a lot of art looks like it was done by a porcupine with paint on his butt. Artist don't need to draw pictures, they can just splatter ink on a canvas and call it abstract art. Modern art seems to get extra points if it's offensive, crude, or can go viral online. Marketing seems to determine what's popular more than talent. If I marketed it well, I could probably make money selling photocopies of people's butts. Then there's modern music, which is generally just a bunch of swear words tied together into a rap. Instead of big bands and orchestras, three guys who only know one chord can call themselves a band. Many popular singers get popular off being bizarre, not off talent.  Then there's modern dance, which tends to look like people having seizures on the floor. Seriously, I think that modern danc...

The English language is a mutt, not to be confused with a dog. Dogs make much more sense. If you tell a dog to heel, it will either do it or not do it. English needs to find out if you're talking about heal or heel. Then there is their, or they're. Because over there, they're scratching their heads because there are two too many forms of to. Then there's, "I'll lead you to the lead," where two words that say different things are spelled the same way. I before e unless your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird. And then there's spelling. Why does pterodactyl start with P? Why do knife, know, and knight start with K, but candy doesn't? Maybe the person who made English did it to make lame puns. Whoever made spelling is gust mean. Then there's grammar, which no one understands even thou it's taught in school. In fact, after they learn it, they throw it out the window. ...

Young human boys seem to mature slower then boys on my planet. I believe it's because there are no Zigrolifs Monsters on earth, and robots aren't very patient. I think the soul purpose of little brothers is to chase their sisters around with frogs and to sing the exact same song over and over and over again. I don't understand why little brothers like to pick fights with people twice their size. Fortunately  their is something called a mother to make sure little brothers make it to adulthood. Mothers also keep their children from jumping off the roof, playing in the street, cooking caterpillars over a fire, eating grasshoppers, or throwing their little sisters in the porcupine den. In their defense, little boys do like to learn. They'll learn everything about dinosaurs, planets,  superheros, and annoying their siblings. I think little brothers live by ten rules: 1) If something is funny once it's funny the 500th time. 2) If someone tells you to stop that mean...

Earthlings parents like to protect their children's innocence by not telling them adult stories. Instead they tell their children fairy tales, with content like the heroine getting turned to sea foam, a witch who eats children, bad guys getting their eyes pecked out by birds, and a stepmother wanting to eat her stepdaughters heart. Is this normal? On my planet our favorite story to tell our children is "Fluffy the Bunny and the Fire Demon of Osceon". But since that story doesn't translate to human very well, I will try to construct my own fairy tale for your enjoyment. Once upon a time their was a guy who liked a girl. Unfortunately the she was kidnapped by an Allareon air squid. Wait, you don't have those. How about a witch? I've met plenty of those here, but you seem to pronounce it differently. So the witch captured her with the power of YouTube. Then she forced the girl to work hard and clean the house seven times a day, hypnotizing her with more YouTub...

Some Earthlings seem to enjoy this practice called tattoos. This is where they permanently ink an image on their skin. It can be something pretty like a butterfly or a flower, or it can be something that a porcupine could draw. One of the big problems with tattoos is that over time your skin stretches, and with it the tattoo. Then that butterfly look like a Pterodactyl struck by lightning. If your going to get a tattoo, answer these simple questions: 1) Are you of a sound mind to put anything permanent on your body? Are you drunk, high, or under the influence of stupid friends? 2) Will this tattoo limit your career options to thug, tattoo artist, belly dancer, or prison inmate? 3) Will you still think that Fluffy the bunny, Butch the dog, a cracked skull, or your ex-girlfriend is cute in thirty years? Do you really want to see that every day for the rest of your life? 4)Will your tattoo still look good when you gain twenty pounds? 5) If there's any risk of you ...

Do you suffer from a mild medical condition? If so, our medicine will relieve all symptoms of your disease. Side effects may include: worsening of the symptoms, death, turning into a zombie, or extreme levels of sarcasm. Don't take this if you're pregnant, nursing, operating large machinery, or intelligent. This is what 90% of all medicine ads on this planet are like. I still don't understand them. If something is wrong, isn't the goal to get rid of the problem, not just the symptoms? It might be easy to swallow a pill, then go to the doctor to cure the side effects with another pill, then go to the doctor to cure the side effects of that drug with another pill, and keep doing that until you die. Although it could be worse, I once visited a planet where the cure to all diseases was to kill the host and everything in it, kind of like earths chemo, except they did it with an electric chair. On my planet we don't have medicine. We don't get sick, we eat right and...

I have now seen some earth documentaries and I have come to a conclusion, historians and scientists are over-confident. There are historians who have constructed dinosaurs off one tooth. Once they made the Brontosaurus, which turned out not to exist. Paleontology is the sophisticated science of digging in the dirt, speculating on tiny bits and fragments, and guessing on the rest. When paleontologist first discovered  iguanadon they though it was slow and clumsy with a drooping tail, now they're sure that it was a fast moving graceful beast with a stiff tail. I'm curious what they will be certain of next year. Maybe they'll think Charizard ate porcupines.  Archaeologists also dig in dirt and make guesses on past societies, but they're sure they're right, but they're about as accurate as a two-year-old's drawing of a porcupine. Archeologists get a lot of evidence and come to a conclusion. Then they find evidence of something else, and they then ignore it unt...

Pokemon is a video game where you catch little animals, and trap them in a baseball or a marble, also known as pokeballs, and only let them out to fight other animals. On my planet we only fight animals for survival. Pokemon is one of the most iconic video games on this planet, even though it's set in a world where ten-year-olds roam the world fighting monsters, some of which can destroy city's, and in later generations, the world. There are also crime syndicate's that can be defeated by those ten-year-old's. Is this a normal thing on earth? Why do Pokemon obey their masters when they beet them to a pulp, trapped them in a tiny ball, and only let them out to fight other monsters? Humans don't think through their stories, do they? One of the weirdest things in the Pokemon universe is that the previous ten-year-old's can trap and control the literal god of the Pokemon universe. What? Puny god. Then there's also Pokemon Go which makes you walk around, in...

Why do you humans enjoy staring at boxes? On my planet we do have superior technology, but we use it to do chores so we can spend our time developing talents, studying history, and running away from HongerBeasts. One lessen we learn as young Wafollars is that robots have their limitations. They can't love or feel. They have a terrible fear of magnets, and can't enjoy pizza. Don't get me wrong; I love technology. Without it, I would never have built my spaceship, been able to discover the Zafar system, left robots over my house, or discovered the weakness  of Kryptonians. They're really annoying. Humans seem to use technology to entertain themselves, argue, and look at cat videos. Humans seem to stare at TVs to see other peoples lives because there lives aren't exciting. On my planet life is always exciting, unless you don't think saving your family from a ZiloGriffin is exciting. People seem to stare at handheld boxes instead of talking to other people. With ...

I have recently discovered that humans engage in an activity called sports, which seem to just be fights with rules. We have a sport, it's called running from a Gonderien fire beast. You really don't wan't to loose. Human sports seem to be games where you fight over a ball. I could understand fighting over a girl or a pizza, but a ball? Some professional athletes get millions of dollars a year to tackle people. I don't understand this, my brother tackles me all the time for free. I wouldn't think you'd have to pay them so much to do it. The rules seem to very from sport to sport. In lacrosse, they hit each other with sticks all the time; but in baseball you can't hit each other with a stick at all. The game would be more exciting if they did. The fight extends beyond the arena. The fans yell, scream, curse, fuss, complain, and fight. Sometimes they even come to blows. On my planet we never hit each other. We do occasionally throw a porcupine, but no porcu...

Humans seem to like to categorize people and put labels on them. I find this unusual. I'm often referred to as odd, weird, strange, and unusual. I think those are compliments. A humans called me odd when I ate a grasshopper. I don't see how that's any weirder then eating a hot dog. It's certainly more nutritious. Labels mean very little. There is a very fine line between genius and insanity, or between an idiot and a hero. The difference is success. Archimedes ran thru the streets naked screaming "eureka" and was considered a genius. Yet, Galileo said that the earth orbited the sun and was considered insane, and put on house arrest. Labels are a matter of opinion. Whether someone is a traitor or a hero, or a war is a revolt or a revolution is a matter of opinion. So whether me letting the porcupines loose in the park was a favor to the porcupines or a cruel prank on the kids is just a matter of how you look at it. How was I suppose to know human children's...

Hot dogs aren't made of pretty canines. This is a good thing. The change in diet for me (on this planet) has been extreme. On my planet we eat natural food, but on this planet they seem to eat engineered food. One of these foods is called soda, which has no nutritional value. It does have many unhealthy things in it, and taste something like dirty dish water that a porcupine swam through. I think the only reason people drink it is to burp. It also appears that I don't know the fine art of social burping. I tried. I failed. Don't ask. Humans grow healthy wheat, then they take the good stuff out so that not even bugs will eat it. I think I'd rather eat the bugs. Humans have four food groups, which are: fake sugar, hydrogenated fat, artificial colors, and preservatives. I guess with the first three they need the preservatives so they don't die young of poor health. People seem to pay extra to not have stuff. They make fat-free, sugar-free, peanut-free, nutrient-free...

 I've been on several camp-outs now, and they confuse me. The point of them is to get in tune with nature, so of course campers have to bring half there belongings. People don't even seem to like it, I mean half of what they do is complain about the bugs, heat, humidity, rocks, lack of air conditioning and flushing toilets, possums constantly stealing there food, the total lack of porcupines, and the constant asteroid bombardment -- wait, that only happens on my planet. One of people's favorite things to do on camp-outs is hiking, which is where you walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk with a pack filled with camp-food. The food is confusing too. Sometimes campers bring M.R.E.s, aka, plastic that will never go bad because not even mold will eat it, or they can heat a can of cold beans until it's a warm can of cold beans. Plus, the pizza delivery guy doesn't deliver into the woods. One guy did brave the hike, but the bear got the tip... and the pizza....