Surviving the Cold

On this planet there is something called snow, when it is very cold. On my planet we don’t have cold. What we call cold is 80 degrees, so our temperatures are hot, hotter, and death. In heat you feel like you’re going to melt, but in cold you feel like you’re an icicle, not that you feel like your going to turn into an icicle, you actually feel like an icicle. Since I am not used to the cold I have found ten ways to beat it:

1. Burn your homework, turn off the smoke alarms first. Homework is an excellent source of paper.

2. Get a Razor Fang, it will keep your heart rate up and your life expectancy down, but you wont be cold.

3. Remember, give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day, set a man on fire he’s warm for the rest of his life.

4. Drink three cups of lava slushie. If you don’t have access to that, try hot chocolate.

5. Find a baby, girlfriend, porcupine, or other warm blooded creature and snuggle it. Don’t snuggle fish. I hear sleeping with them is undesirable.

6. Layers are your friend. Every time you go outside, make sure you wear 75 jackets, 82 pairs of pants, 46 pairs of socks, and a hat at minimum. This might make it a little hard to go to the bathroom, but it is a small price to pay for warmth.

7. Relocate, especially if you live in somewhere like Montana. What are you thinking?

8. Always come prepared with a blanket, a flamethrower, a gallon of gasoline, and a hot chocolate mug.

9. Bathe in hot sauce. It’s hot and delicious.

10. Stay inside and eat pizza.

Farewell, and may you only see snow on Christmas cards.

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