Manners

On my planet manners are very simple, never let your neighbor get devoured by a Salypar, never let a Galeyon vampire into your house at meal time, never release a Calacarpatcon into you siblings room, and don't eat your kids. On earth, they seem to be more complicated. There are rules for every occasion. If you go to a dinner party, you can't slurp your soup, chew with your mouth open, or fall asleep on your food. Yet people still get confused and mistake their spoons for shovels. Many people move as close as they can to their food, and move the spoon as fast as they can, as if they were in a speed eating contest. Humans put a lot of emphasis on dressing, but not enough to have everyone dress right. Go to an opera, you'll find people dressed from gowns and gloves, to shorts and a t-shirt. 

Here are some manners that will bring you far in life: 

1. Never chew on people, it is never appropriate to chew on people. They don't taste good anyway.

2. Always wear clothes. Never leave the house in your underwear. I learned this the hard way.

3. Watch where you pee. Potted plants aren't appropriate.

4. Never eat more then a quarter of you body weight at a social event.

5. Never set anything on fire. Even if the dog deserves it.

6. No mater how good the perfume is, sniffing people is considered creepy.

7. Never tie someone to a pole or duct tape them to a wall no mater how funny it is.

8. If you see someone crying. don't laugh at them. Humans don't find crying funny.

9. It is not appropriate to tap dance on the table at a restaurant.

10. Nor is it appropriate to sing Dixie at the top of your voice during an award ceremony.

11. Never pick your nose in public.

12. If you come to my planet, remember to lick the doormat before entering.

Farewell, and may you not get the weird looks I get.