Being Offended

Humans seem to get offended a lot. I don't really understand why; it doesn't seem fun. Yet they seem to get offended at the smallest things. They get offended at people not being tolerant, or not seeing things the exact same way as they do. You can't say anything about weight. A banana can be offensive, and saying that I like dark chocolate over milk chocolate is somehow racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, hate speech.

Here are some ways to make sure you don't offend anyone:

1. Don't say "You're fat, don't try to sugar coat it, you'll eat that too."

2. Don't say "Are you pregnant or just fat?"

3. Don't nurse a baby in public, even with a blanket modestly covering the nursing and a bag over your head.

4. Refer to the Great White Shark as the "Average Caucasian Shark."

5. Don't make the demon in your book black. Have it look like a white fluffy bunny.

6. Don't look at the lady wearing the bikini except in the eyes. That's why she's wearing the bikini, so you'll look in her eyes.

7. Don't judge a person by how they dress. That guy can't help that he's wearing a dog collar, chains, and a tiara.

8. Don't say anything religious, unless it's pro-Muslim or anti-Christian. There is a long, honored, tradition of persecuting Christians after all.

Farewell, and may you someday be so famous that you have to publicly apologize for all the offensive things you say.

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