Greetings Earthlings!

Yesterday, I spoke about pick up lines. I've had a few more experiences with them. Like when I told a girl, "Our love is like dividing by zero... you cannot define it." She defined it. Don't worry, the bruise on my cheek will heal. Later I went to a party and decided to try some pick up lines. The first girl I tried to talk to, I said, "My love for you is like pi... never ending." It ended right then, right after she poured a pitcher of ice water over my head. The next girl I talked to I said, "How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not know the 7 digits of your phone number?" I thought it worked, until I called. Did you know there's something called the rejection hotline? I did have one success when I literally bumped into someone. As I helped her pick up her books she was carrying, we talked. We ended up going out for ice cream. I think I'll forget the pick up lines and just start bumping into pretty girls. Here are s

I have recently learned about pick up lines. Unfortunately, I learned about them in very embarrassing ways. Someone asked me, "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes." I looked at her and said, "I have several maps. Which galaxy do you want to go to?" I thought for a moment, "How could you get in my eyes. You can't fit in them, much less get lost in them. And which eyes are you talking about, my two in this form, or my six in my true form?" The police didn't come, but the men in the white coats were very nice. Another time, a lady said, "Do I know you? Because you look exactly like my next boyfriend." I was surprised, and said, "I'm sorry," and changed into another look. Don't worry. The paramedics have treated her for shock, and say she will be fine. Another time a lady told me, "Charizards are red, Squirtles are blue, if you were a pokemon, I'd choose you." I informed her, &quo

Humans mix up what they mean a lot. They can do this in more than one way, like idioms, spoonerisms, and malaprops. Today, I'm talking about malaprops. In case you don't know what a malaprop is, a malaprop is a mistaken use of a word in the place of a similar sounding one. Someone told to shave the whales. I hadn't heard the term "Save the whales!!!" What animal on earth can eat a whale -- well, I can name sixty on my planet, but none on earth. That's why I shaved a whale. It wasn't very cooperative, and I didn't see why it needed shaving. It didn't have much fur. At a restaurant, a man asked for some neutrons on his salad. The shop owner said they where out. I didn't know he meant croutons, so I pulled out my particle fuser and shot. I was trying to be helpful. The shop owner didn't think so. I've reached 25 arrests. I now know what a malaprop is, so here are some I found funny: 1. A college (colleague) of ours once said, "

Yesterday, I spoke about spoonerisms, and I still have them on my mind. That's why I'm still talking about it. Someone at a ceremony told me, "We'll have the hags flung out," when he meant "Flags hung out." I obeyed, and gathered all the hags. They got offended when I told them they were hags. They got really mad when I threw them out. Personally, I think that any girl without antennae looks like a hag. The mayor got really mad when I threw his wife out. I had another good talk with the police chief. He thought the mayors wife looked like a hag too, but don't tell the mayor that. Here are some spoonerisms that I found funny: 1. Know your blows. (Blow your nose.) 2. Tease my ears. (Ease my tears.) 3. Nicking your pose. (Picking your nose.) 4. You have very mad banners. (You have very bad manners.) 5. Lack of pies. (Pack of lies.) 6. Pit nicking. (Nit picking.) 7. Chipping the the flannel on TV. (Flipping the channel on TV.) 8. I'

Someone makes a spoonerism when he switches the initial sounds of words. For example, slice of bread becomes brice of sled. The term spoonerism came from William A. Spooner. He was a dean at Oxford University, and was known for mixing up the first sounds of words. That's way it's called spoonerisms. I learned about spoonerisms the hard way. Someone told me I smelled bad, and needed to shake a tower. I didn't know how that would help me smell better, but I walked to the nearest tower. The tower was really big, so I needed to turn into my true form to shake it. Everyone's phones went out. I got to have a good talk with Officer Bradley again. He's a nice guy. Now I know about spoonerisms. So here are some that I found fun: 1. Fighting a liar.(Lighting a fire.) 2. You hissed my mystery lecture.(You missed my history lecture.) 3. Cattle ships and bruisers.(Battle ships and cruisers.) 4. Nosey little cook.(Cozy little nook.) 5. A blushing crow.(A crushing bl

Yesterday, I was talking about how I don't understand idioms. Today I'm going to tell you more of my experiences with idioms. A while back, someone told me, "The ball is in your court." I didn't know that. So I started looking. A little bit later, I asked him, "Which court is mine?" He just answered with, "What?" Someone told me to do something at the drop of a hat. I didn't have a hat to drop, so I dropped my pants instead. I'm getting to know the cops very well. A friend of mine told me I was beating around the bush. I figured he wanted me to beat a bush. Apparently, that wasn't the right thing to do. The birds in the bush attacked me. I was buying something from a guy in the mall. He told me that it would cost me an arm and a leg, so I changed into my true form and asked him, "Which arm and leg do you want?" he passed out. I don't know why, they grow back. Someone told me to hit the road, so I did. It didn&#

I'm still getting used to human speech. They often say one thing when they mean another. I believe this is called idioms. I'm still not used to them. Why just yesterday I was told to kill two birds with one stone, so I did. Actually, I just stunned them. Maybe that's why he was mad. I told him that my blaster would work much better. He got madder and screamed in my ear, "I like birds!!!" So I asked "If you like birds, why did you tell me to kill two? And why with a stone?" At that point, he threw a shoe at me, and stormed off. I just don't get idioms. Someone told me that I have the best of both worlds. I didn't think he knew I was an alien. I disguise it well. I asked, "How did you know I was an Alien?" He then looked at me with a confused look on his face. "What are you talking about?" I then told him I'm from a distant planet called Grr-Awk. He then called me crazy and ran away. I gave an inventor the blueprints for

On earth, food is very different than it is on my planet. On my planet we have to grow our own food, or catch and kill it. Cooking is becoming a lost art. There are still good cooks out there, but there are becoming fewer and fewer. Most people are satisfied to put pre-prepared food in the microwave or to watch You-Tube videos about food. Just Google "Pintrest food fails" and you'll see what I mean. So for all of you out there who have ever had a food fail, here are some funny cooking quotes: 1. If at first you don't succeed, order pizza! 2.Complaints to the cook can be hazardous to your health. 3. I'm such a bad cook -- my idea of a "Happy Meal" is any meal I don't have to prepare. 4. I'm such a bad cook -- I use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. 5. I'm such a bad cook -- my dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. 6. Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the

Humans seem to get offended a lot. I don't really understand why; it doesn't seem fun. Yet they seem to get offended at the smallest things. They get offended at people not being tolerant, or not seeing things the exact same way as they do. You can't say anything about weight. A banana can be offensive, and saying that I like dark chocolate over milk chocolate is somehow racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, hate speech. Here are some ways to make sure you don't offend anyone: 1. Don't say "You're fat, don't try to sugar coat it, you'll eat that too." 2. Don't say "Are you pregnant or just fat?" 3. Don't nurse a baby in public, even with a blanket modestly covering the nursing and a bag over your head. 4. Refer to the Great White Shark as the "Average Caucasian Shark." 5. Don't make the demon in your book black. Have it look like a white fluffy bunny. 6. Don't look at the lady wearing the bik

The man who knows seldom speaks; the man who speaks seldom knows. Dumb people who know their limits, aren't dumb. The really annoying thing is dumb people who think they're smart. They're easy to find because they like to show off how smart they are. They're always the first to give an opinion about something, even if all they know about it is how to pronounce the word. Then they take credit for whatever you do, because they advised you, unless it doesn't work: then they knew all along that it was a dumb idea. They will then proceed to advise you on every other aspect of your life. Smart people, when proven wrong, own up to it and move on. Dumb people, when proven wrong, insist they're right or blame other people or technology. When dealing with stupid people, here are some good comebacks: 1. Yeah, your phone suffers from the I. D. 10 T. virus. To get rid of the virus, soak your phone in water for an hour. 2. If you ran as fast as your mouth, you'd be

The human brain likes to think it's right, so much so that it will convince itself it's right even when it knows it's wrong. People like to think they're smart, so they measure intelligence by the measure that makes them smartest. Some people think knowing a lot of facts makes them smart. Of course, some facts are more useful to know than others. Most people measure the facts they know as important, and facts they don't know as less important. Those who don't know facts beyond what was on TV last night, will rate intelligence by something other than facts, like pure thought, which generally means having an opinion. Since we all have to deal with stupid people, here are some funny quotes about stupid people: 1. "There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and humans stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe." Einstein 2. "Never argue with idiots, they'll drag you down to their level and bet you with experience.&q

On the topic of human grammar, I get big laughs out of misplaced modifiers. Apparently, some people don't know what misplaced modifiers are. A misplaced modifier is a phrase or clause that is placed in a sentence so it appears to modify an unintended word. Groucho Marx hilariously illustrated a misplaced modifier when he said, "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know." Here are some funny examples of misplaced modifiers: 1. The cops chased the criminal in the squad car. (How did the criminal get in the squad car?) 2. I saw a car by a man that was pink. (The man was pink?) 3. The waiter served a pastry to a lady that was flaky and well-buttered. (The lady was flaky and well-buttered?) 4. Erupting as geysers do, my friend took a picture of Old Faithful. (My friend was erupting?) 5. In the wagon, the boy pulled toys.(How did he pull the wagon while he was in it?) 6. After doing my homework, my mom baked cook

In these days of texting, grammar rules have been completely ignored. Not only does this make a great deal of miscommunication, but it also makes lots of people look stupid. People need to learn the difference between its and it's; there, their, and they're; accept, and except; advice, and advise; two, to, and too; I and me; dessert, and desert; dual, and duel; site, cite, and sight; then, and than; etc. There is a big difference between "I'd rather be pissed off, than pissed on." and "I'd rather be pissed off, then pissed on." There is also a difference between "Lets eat, Grandma." and "Lets eat grandma." There's also a big difference between "Your dinner" and "You're dinner." Punctuation saves lives. Be careful what you write. You're grammer and spelling misstakes are their for all too see. (Yes, I did that on purpose.) For your enjoyment, I will now post funny and real grammar, spelling, and

With the New year starting, it's a time to start looking at our live's and what we should be better at this year. It's a time to set goals. It's a time to evaluate our lives. Should we spend more time with our family than on technology? Should we be a better neighbor? Are we too mean to our friends? Do we do things we shouldn't? Are there talents we should develop? Do we spend too much time alone? Should we spend more time reading? Am I asking to many questions? Yes, yes I am. So here are my suggestions for New Year's resolutions this year: 1. I will not eat a slug this year. 2. I will not bang my head on the wall for no reason. 3. I will not face palm every time I see someone doing something stupid. It's leaving a imprint of my hand on my forehead. 4. I will never chew on anyone. 5. I won't bathe in jello. 6. I won't put waffles in the DVD player. 7. I won't photocopy my butt and staple it to my boss's face. 8. I will check

It appears that every year, people make New Year's resolutions, which is where they try to better themselves at something every year. One of the most common New Year's resolution is losing weight. People buy expensive gym memberships, then only go for a month. They start diets that are very unhealthy. Of course they don't stay on them for long. They decide to start eating right and exercising -- tomorrow. Few people lose weight from their resolutions, even if they stick to the fad diet. Since losing weight is such a obsession, here are my suggestions for losing weight: 1. Get a pet RazorFang. Running from him will give you very good exercise. 2. Eat Slaglamor Slugs. Although a delicacy on many planets, they taste disgusting, so you won't over eat. 3. Set realistic goals. Don't expect to go from being a couch potato to an Olympic athlete in a week. 4. Eat real food, not genetically modified, processed food crap, or food flavored plastic. 5. Realize that jus

Humans don't seem to know how to have fun. They think that getting drunk and embarrassing themselves is fun. Getting drunk is only fun if you enjoy acting like an idiot, doing things you'll regret, and having a hangover. Humans also say that playing(or watching)sports are fun, but they spend the whole time screaming their heads off, yelling at the refs, and getting mad at the other team. When they aren't drunk or doing sports, humans think that having fun needs to be expensive. People think to have fun they need to buy a boat, go to an amusement park, go on an expensive vacation, or rent a bouncy house for their two year old's birthday party. Sometimes to have fun people play a practical joke on someone. That's not fun; that's mean. Hear are some ways to have fun without spending lots of money: 1. Go to the park. It's free. 2. Go swimming in the summer, make hot coco in the winter. 3. Balance toothpicks on the top of a bottle. Any of them you knock o

Yesterday Gobbersnot tried to take over the world. I hope he didn't scare you, he really isn't scary. He tried to take over my planet; my little sister stopped him. He tried to take over a nearby planet, but was stopped by four monkeys with sporks. He has tried to take over many planets, but only succeeded with one, that was a planet full of bunnies. Then he figured out that he was allergic to bunnies. Gobbersnot is a real amateur.  Here's good advice if you want to take over a world: 1. Don't put "Self-destruct" on your self-destruct buttons. 2. Make it seem that your weakness is something completely different than your actual weakness. Convince your enemy you're scared of chocolate chip cookies, he will send you boxes of them. 3. Don't monologue; just shoot. 4. Make sure you're not allergic to the people you're trying to take over. 5. Don't put a sign saying "Secret entrance" on the secret entrance. Put it

Mwa ha ha ha ha. I have kidnapped Xothyclton, and stolen his computer. I am now taking over his blog! In fact, I am taking over the world. You are now under my control! You will do everything I say. You will bring me slimy sardines. You will have gladiatorial combat for my enjoyment. You will remember the day you first heard the name of...drat, this keyboard doesn't have the right letters to write my name with. My name sounds like blowing your nose, but in a very scary and dignified way. Call me Gobbersnot. Is that a scary name on your planet? I am now making new rules for your planet: 1. All porcupines will be put in cages. 2. The temperature may not get below 40 degrees. 3. Babies are no longer allowed to cry. It is an unpleasant sound. 4. All sports will be replaced with gladiatorial combat. All combatants will wear tutus. 5. No men may wear pink. 6. All humans will answer to "Hey stupid!" or "Inferior lifeforms." 7. Humans may not eat strawbe