Greetings Earthlings!

Today is a holiday know as Halloween. It seems that this holiday is about giving kids candy so they can annoy their parents and siblings. Kids often whine about the costumes they want, then whine about the costumes they get. The ninja soldier costume isn't as cool as they thought it would be, and the fairy princess costume is itchy. Then they go around the neighborhood begging for candy. By the time they eat their seventeenth candy bar, they've become little noisy holy terrors of doom and destruction, who will not go to bed on time. The holiday is really just an excuse to eat candy. So, on Halloween you want to dress up as something scary, but not too scary; we wouldn't want to scare our little angels. Also give them lots of candy, but not too much candy; we wouldn't want to harm their teeth or make them sick. Halloween is about teaching you kids important lessons, like how to beg, how to be greedy, and how to eat yourself sick. I am considering going in my true form

Humans like the idea that giant fire-breathing, flying, lizards exist. A lot of them like the idea that they're evil, and like to capture princesses. I don't see why princesses would taste better than anyone else. Does royal blood taste better? And what about girls? They always capture females; they also seem to prefer pretty females. I've never seen the hero rescue an ugly old man. Am I the only one who's confused about this? Why are dragons often seen as evil? I think they're cute, and they don't even eat each other. Dragons also seem to to horde treasure. They seem to have no reason to like it, except they like shiny things. So I think that if they lived in modern earth, they wouldn't horde money; that's not very shiny. Instead they would horde mirrors, jewelry, and iPhones. They wouldn't eat livestock, but the pizza delivery guys would be terrified of them. But I'm sure they'll be alright if they're not beautiful maidens. They migh

Yesterday I went to a second grade school production. I still don't know who the villain was; I think it was the stinkbug, but she was adorable. The plot wasn't very strong--something about going to a picnic, but that's really all that happened. The characters weren't very developed; they only said one line each. I couldn't find their motivation. Why did they want to go to the picnic so much? Why did they not like the stinkbug? Why were there a disproportionate number of female butterflies and ladybugs? That makes no biological sense. Why are there spiders? They're not even bugs, they're arachnids. I asked someone if she understood the drama arc, but she looked at me as if I where a Mjank being eaten by a snail. I think there is something I'm missing, because all the parents thought it was great, and one even thought it was better than Broadway. No, I don't think so. Farewell, and may you never have to say "I am a maggot" in a show.

Super powers are grossly misunderstood. Super speed is the ability to go from zero to seven million in half a second. Now this is very unbelievable. The human body is incapable of surviving that much acceleration. If you instantly went at twenty MPH, you would need to go to the hospital immediately. Super strength isn't a power that would kill you if you use it, but it is also isn't shown right. Super strength only has one thing that they show wrong. If you have infinite strength that does not mean you can brake the laws of physics. You couldn't lift a house by the corner, punch a man the size of a building over without flying back yourself, or lift a car or train without ruining the body work. If you could read people's minds, you would have problems with people because of their thoughts, until you go insane. Then your insane; that's pretty bad. Flight is a power that wouldn't be that bad, if you don't fly that high up, but then what's the point of havi

People seem to be buying a lot of costumes for Halloween. These costumes range from non scary things like zombies and ghosts, to really scary things like princesses and fairies. Princesses are expensive. Have you ever been on a date with one? They want the best gifts, to go to the best restaurants, and their security is intimidating. Fairies are even scarier, have you read mythology? They will kill you for fun, and that's the good fairies. Evil fairies will eat your life for fun. Zombies, even if they existed, could not harm anyone, because by the time they've reached you, they've decayed so mush that they could be killed with a stick; and a ghost can't harm anyone. The only thing you have to worry about is them telling people your secrets. I will tell you some alternatives to your costumes that are more terrifying. Instead of going as a skeleton, go as a tax auditor--now that's scary. Instead of going as a witch, go as a doctor with bad hand writing. Nobody woul

On my planet manners are very simple, never let your neighbor get devoured by a Salypar, never let a Galeyon vampire into your house at meal time, never release a Calacarpatcon into you siblings room, and don't eat your kids. On earth, they seem to be more complicated. There are rules for every occasion. If you go to a dinner party, you can't slurp your soup, chew with your mouth open, or fall asleep on your food. Yet people still get confused and mistake their spoons for shovels. Many people move as close as they can to their food, and move the spoon as fast as they can, as if they were in a speed eating contest. Humans put a lot of emphasis on dressing, but not enough to have everyone dress right. Go to an opera, you'll find people dressed from gowns and gloves, to shorts and a t-shirt.  Here are some manners that will bring you far in life:  1. Never chew on people, it is never appropriate to chew on people. They don't taste good anyway. 2. Always wear clo

Earthlings have a weird holiday known as a birthday. What is the accomplishment of living one more year on earth? It's really not that hard. You don't have Slagsfut eating your house, Magmar setting you on fire, and you don't even have Lightning-bugs that shoot lightning. If we had birthdays on my planet, we would have the whole day to build robots. On earth, people celebrate their birthdays with parties. The party gets a theme, like unicorns, pirates, pirate unicorns, or pizza. Out of those choices, I'd get the pizza. Sometimes parents will rent out party places or giant inflatables, and spend a lot of money. Then there are presents, because a giant inflatable, ice cream, cake, and friends aren't enough to celebrate surviving one more year. Presents can't be simple, like a ball, or some blocks. They have to be elaborate and expensive, like an iPhone for a eight-year old. I recently went to a two-year old's party, where they spent hundreds of dollars, ren

Guns are mechanisms that people use to shoot people. On my planet we don't use something as barbaric as a gun. We use laser guns, or disintegration rays which don't leave any mess or evidence. The interesting thing about guns, is that people are so scared of them. If there is a shooting, then people are up in arms and call for bans on guns, but you are more likely to die from a car then a gun. Yet, no one is calling for a ban on cars. We could replace cars with Slangarion Cheetah Monkeys. They are much more fun to ride. I hope they aren't toxic to humans. Drowning is the leading cause of accidental death in human children, but people aren't calling for a ban on swimming pools, bathtubs or toilets. OK, bathtubs and toilets I'm OK with, but swimming pools are a necessity. How many people die from falling? Where are the calls to ban mountains, trees, and rooftops? You're 64 times more likely to die from your doctor then a gun, so where are the calls to ban doctors?

People seem to like the idea that dead rotting corpses will eat their brains and destroy the world. It's in their literature everywhere. Often they will try to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, and forget to study for their math test. Many of them talk about preparing for the zombie apocalypse, but don't prepare or study. Instead, they turn on the TV and watch more brains be devoured. Personally, I would rather watch someone eat a pizza. Speaking of pizzas..."Hello, Dominoes..." OK, I'm back. Now, I'm not worried about the zombie apocalypse, I've got my pet RazorFang. If he can hold off a swarm of Poisonous Razor tails, he can hold off a zombie horde. My robot can still get food for me--it has no brains to eat. For the rest of you, the way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to live next to someone with tastier brains than yours; make a bunker with a ten years supply of food, water, and toilet paper; and use your ears, and common sense. Or you could study

Fall is said to be a beautiful season. Humans like to see the fall leaves change color, die, shrivel up  and fall. Then they have to spend hours cleaning up the leaves from their yards. Then children jump in the leaf piles, and more leaves fall in the yard, leaving more hours of work. Some people love the fall weather; I think they're crazy, or they just want an excuse to drink hot chocolate. I don't quite get this. Maybe if I drink more hot chocolate I'll understand the festive season. Fall is also buy my stupid junk season. Just go to any major store, you will see Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving supplies, and Christmas decorations. I find it weird that you can find skeletons and disembodied hands one aisle over from angels and stars. You can also find whole aisles devoted to candy, great deals on turkey, every pie under the sun, and plenty of hot chocolate. I take it back; this fall season is growing on me. Did you know that you can get Halloween themed marshmallows

A salesmen is someone who is paid to not take no for an answer. This can be as annoying as the two-year old saying why, why, why, why, why. There are different types of salesmen. When you go to the store and you're looking for a salesmen, there are none to be found, but when you don't want one around, they follow you around like hungry dogs, and to lose them you must run around the washing machine three times, slide under a bench, and hide in the refrigerator. Next time I go, I'll bring my pet RazorFang. That will keep unwanted salesmen away. Then there are car salesmen. When you drive into the parking lot, there is a line of salesmen ready to pounce. When they do, instead of showing you to a car you might like, they take you to their office, make you spend as much time there as they can, and get information about you so they can send you junk mail. And then there are telemarketers. They're the salesmen that call you at the most inconvenient times, like at dinner, wh

Cats are adorable little animals that bite you, scratch you, and tear up the furniture. People do not own cats, cats own humans. If you are a good pet, the cat might bring you a mouse or a dead bird. In return, you must provide food, shelter, and furniture to scratch up. I do not see why people get cats, as I have yet to figure out what purpose they serve. They don't fetch anything, they don't play with you, and they don't preform chores. In all fairness, you don't have to wash them, or clean up their poop.  Cats are gods among men, at least they think they are. Cats see themselves as deities who exist to be served. Cats like to sit in everything, be it a bag of chips, your laptop, a cup, a box, or your underwear. I think cats are classified as liquids. For some reason cats seem to like yarn. A single ball of yarn is a toy that can be played with for hours. For some reason they like this plant called catnip. I had the misfortune of planting some in my yard; now I hav

Dogs are a lot like children, except you don't have to pay for their college or take them on vacation. They can be cute and snugly, and also little demons, just like children. Both will pee on the carpet, play fetch, and tear up the furniture. Fortunately, if a dog is misbehaving, you can lock them outside. Unfortunately, doing it to children is not acceptable. With dogs there are many different breeds to choose from. With children you get what comes. There are many different types of dogs. They range in size from that of a large rodent, to the size of a small pony. Some look like fuzz balls. Some look like walking mops. Some look like dogs. Some look naked. Some even do chores, without you asking them to. Some are really dumb. Some are smarter then some humans I've met. Dogs are not like cats. Sure, they are both furry, smelly, and destructive, but that's where their similarities end. A dog thinks like this: "This person feeds me and cares for me. He must be Go

Humans like keeping their turf clean, or at least they like to complain about it not being clean. When someone is about to come over, the host's first response is to clean everything in sight. If there is not time to clean, stashing everything in the closet, under the couch, or in the oven is the thing they do. I am living in a house of ten, which makes it impossible to clean. Especially since some of them are children. When we clean the den, they dump all the toys out of the boxes and brake all the crayons. Then as we clean that up. they dump a gallon of milk on the floor and eat cereal, off the floor. On my planet we have robots to clean. If someone is coming, we don't rush to clean--we cook. Children don't make messes ether; we tie them up in the basement until they're 21 and a half years old--OK I'm kidding. Our offspring don't make messes; we just need to keep them separate so they don't eat each other. I must admit, I'm impressed by human restrai

I have recently seen some videos where humans have two fictional characters fight to the death. In light of this, I have decided to have my own matches. The first one is Superman vs Spider-man. Superman would usually win, except for the fact that he has an incredibly stupid weakness of a rock from his planet that everyone and their uncle has. You can buy it for five bucks on eBay. Spider-man probably has some, and therefore would win. The next match is Magneto vs Daffy Duck. One of Magneto's better attacks is to shoot you, but Daffy Duck has that happen to him on a regular basis. If Daffy Duck has survived all that Bugs has put him through, Magneto has no chance. Our third match is the Flash vs Roadrunner. Flash is slightly faster then Roadrunner, but Roadrunner can use an ACME device to draw a tunnel through the mountain and run through. Flash will crash; it works on the coyote. Next up is Galactus vs a monkey. Squirrel-girl beat him. A monkey can beat a squirrel. F

Earthlings seem to really like planing events and projects with committees. If two people can accomplish twice what one person can, a committee can do half the work in twice the time. The committee is usually run by the man that thinks he's the smartest, but is really the loudest, and the dumbest. Some good ideas get introduced, but by the time the committee's done with them, they're completely unrecognizable. Thus, at the end of the meeting the smart person has to make everything happen, and the people who came up with the ideas don't bother with the small details. So the smart person ends up with a to do list like this: 1. Make three perpendicular parallel lines of three different colors with one pen. 2. Make a ritzy dinner with three sectioned plates, spaghetti, and plastic sporks. 3. Get fire eaters, aerial silks artists, and trapeze artists in a room with an eight-foot ceiling, where fire isn't allowed. 4. The decorations have to look like a fant

Earthlings don't seem to understand cooking. On my planet it doesn't count as cooking from scratch unless you grind the grains, pick the fruit, and hunt the meat. Many humans don't know that flour comes from wheat berries, haven't picked fruit, and think that meat comes from Styrofoam trays. I watched an earthling cook from scratch. Here's how it went: 1. Look up recipe on phone. 2. Go to store and buy a box of cake mix, some pizza sauce, and some pre-made bread dough. 3. Put all ingredients into a bowl and mix. 4. Put it in a microwave until burnt. 5. Realize that container was not microwave proof and put out fire. 6. Swear loudly and blame the manufacturer of the container. 7. Order a pizza. 8. Eat chocolate until pizza arrives. Farewell and may the pizza man be a better cook than you.

I thought little brothers were strange; then I discovered little sisters. Wielders of ribbons and nail polish, these beasts can prettify an unsuspecting victim in a matter of minutes; and it will not just be the boy, the toys will pay to. I have discovered that action figures don't look good in tutus, the remote-control cars don't look good in heart stickers, and I don't look good in nail polish. With little brothers, all toys fight: dinosaurs fight; soldiers fight; dragons fight; Barbies fight; and matchbox cars explode. Girls have dinosaurs have tea party's with the dragons, the soldiers go on dates with the Barbies, and the cars kiss. I have recorded two children playing with toys. Guess who's the boy and who's the girl: Number 1. Joe got in his car to go to work, completely unaware that this was the last day of his life. Halfway down the street, the newly discovered Maximosaurus ate him, car and all, in one bite. The earth's militaries saw this as

So the other day I followed a toddler around for ten minutes. In those ten minutes she went into the playroom and dumped all the toys out of the boxes, got herself chocolate milk and dumped it on the carpet, threw the toilet paper in the toilet, and got a bad case of marker pocks. I think a tornado would have done less damage. I didn't even mention what she did with the crayons. Then the mother came in and screamed. Then the toddler activated her survival mechanism. She looked at her mother with big eyes and said "I love you mommy." If toddler weren't so cute, they would never make it to three.  Human toddlers have volatile temperaments. One might ask for toast, so when his mom gets him toast, he throws it on the floor, screams "NO!!!" squirms on the floor like he's being tortured, continuously complains that you didn't get him what he wants, and when you ask him what he wants he repeats "toast". Then you get him another and this one'

I have found that many people have very limited vocabularies, and use four letter words a lot. I don't quite understand this. It doesn't help with clarity. It only makes people angry. They also use these words in movies fairly often. It's all they use in rap. I heard a song the other day that with blips it went something like this. *Beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* and *beep* *beep* *beep* in the *beep* *beep* *beep* or *beep* *beep* *beep* duck. This form of talking is inefficient, and only shows how low of a vocabulary one has. Might I suggest some other words with similar meaning? When looking for an insult, consider instead of calling him a *beep* *beep*, call him a dalcop which is an idiot, or a fopdoodle which is a fool; or you can use Shakespearean insults: "More of your conversation would infect my brain." "A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are tossed with." "A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promi

I have had the experience of reading to children on earth. If you are a parent you know the pain. Ween being read to, a child's favorite word is "again". When you finish reading a book to a child, they have you read it again, and again, and again, and...I think you get the point. This wouldn't be too terrible if the books were interesting the first time. However, they are stupid the first time and only get worse as they make you read it 563 times. Authors don't understand that rhyme and meter are not the same thing, and just because you have rhyme does not mean you have meter, content, or rhyme. Sometimes they don't understand rhyme, such as the fact that food and good don't rhyme, because English is... well.... English. Plus I haven't even gotten to the content. The content of these books varies from communist brainwashing, to ridiculous fluff, to straight up advertisements. Whats the point of reading a story if it doesn't make you buy every pr

People tend to not use logic on this planet. If three people present an argument, and the first uses logic, the second uses rhetoric, and the third offers free pizza, the third wins. Real logic and science does not effect what people believe. Sometimes people appeal to logic and science without fully using ether. Logic is only as good as its assumptions. If I start with the assumptions that pigs are porcupines and that Slibores are edible, then I can come to some interesting conclusions. Science can be manipulated to mean whatever someone wants, especially if they payed for the study. Not that science isn't helpful, but with earths primitive technology, there are still so many things that you don't know. To prove a point, I'm going to set up my own study. There have been many studies saying that TV lowers your IQ, but people don't want to hear that, so let's say the opposite. I will do a study saying TV raises your IQ. The first part is to get a group of people a