Greetings Earthlings!

Today is a holiday know as Halloween. It seems that this holiday is about giving kids candy so they can annoy their parents and siblings. Kids often whine about the costumes they want, then whine about the costumes they get. The ninja soldier costume isn't as cool as they thought it would be, and the fairy princess costume is itchy. Then they go around the neighborhood begging for candy. By the time they eat their seventeenth candy bar, they've become little noisy holy terrors of doom and destruction, who will not go to bed on time. The holiday is really just an excuse to eat candy. So, on Halloween you want to dress up as something scary, but not too scary; we wouldn't want to scare our little angels. Also give them lots of candy, but not too much candy; we wouldn't want to harm their teeth or make them sick. Halloween is about teaching you kids important lessons, like how to beg, how to be greedy, and how to eat yourself sick. I am considering going in my true form...

Humans like the idea that giant fire-breathing, flying, lizards exist. A lot of them like the idea that they're evil, and like to capture princesses. I don't see why princesses would taste better than anyone else. Does royal blood taste better? And what about girls? They always capture females; they also seem to prefer pretty females. I've never seen the hero rescue an ugly old man. Am I the only one who's confused about this? Why are dragons often seen as evil? I think they're cute, and they don't even eat each other. Dragons also seem to to horde treasure. They seem to have no reason to like it, except they like shiny things. So I think that if they lived in modern earth, they wouldn't horde money; that's not very shiny. Instead they would horde mirrors, jewelry, and iPhones. They wouldn't eat livestock, but the pizza delivery guys would be terrified of them. But I'm sure they'll be alright if they're not beautiful maidens. They migh...

Yesterday I went to a second grade school production. I still don't know who the villain was; I think it was the stinkbug, but she was adorable. The plot wasn't very strong--something about going to a picnic, but that's really all that happened. The characters weren't very developed; they only said one line each. I couldn't find their motivation. Why did they want to go to the picnic so much? Why did they not like the stinkbug? Why were there a disproportionate number of female butterflies and ladybugs? That makes no biological sense. Why are there spiders? They're not even bugs, they're arachnids. I asked someone if she understood the drama arc, but she looked at me as if I where a Mjank being eaten by a snail. I think there is something I'm missing, because all the parents thought it was great, and one even thought it was better than Broadway. No, I don't think so. Farewell, and may you never have to say "I am a maggot" in a show.

Super powers are grossly misunderstood. Super speed is the ability to go from zero to seven million in half a second. Now this is very unbelievable. The human body is incapable of surviving that much acceleration. If you instantly went at twenty MPH, you would need to go to the hospital immediately. Super strength isn't a power that would kill you if you use it, but it is also isn't shown right. Super strength only has one thing that they show wrong. If you have infinite strength that does not mean you can brake the laws of physics. You couldn't lift a house by the corner, punch a man the size of a building over without flying back yourself, or lift a car or train without ruining the body work. If you could read people's minds, you would have problems with people because of their thoughts, until you go insane. Then your insane; that's pretty bad. Flight is a power that wouldn't be that bad, if you don't fly that high up, but then what's the point of havi...

People seem to be buying a lot of costumes for Halloween. These costumes range from non scary things like zombies and ghosts, to really scary things like princesses and fairies. Princesses are expensive. Have you ever been on a date with one? They want the best gifts, to go to the best restaurants, and their security is intimidating. Fairies are even scarier, have you read mythology? They will kill you for fun, and that's the good fairies. Evil fairies will eat your life for fun. Zombies, even if they existed, could not harm anyone, because by the time they've reached you, they've decayed so mush that they could be killed with a stick; and a ghost can't harm anyone. The only thing you have to worry about is them telling people your secrets. I will tell you some alternatives to your costumes that are more terrifying. Instead of going as a skeleton, go as a tax auditor--now that's scary. Instead of going as a witch, go as a doctor with bad hand writing. Nobody woul...

On my planet manners are very simple, never let your neighbor get devoured by a Salypar, never let a Galeyon vampire into your house at meal time, never release a Calacarpatcon into you siblings room, and don't eat your kids. On earth, they seem to be more complicated. There are rules for every occasion. If you go to a dinner party, you can't slurp your soup, chew with your mouth open, or fall asleep on your food. Yet people still get confused and mistake their spoons for shovels. Many people move as close as they can to their food, and move the spoon as fast as they can, as if they were in a speed eating contest. Humans put a lot of emphasis on dressing, but not enough to have everyone dress right. Go to an opera, you'll find people dressed from gowns and gloves, to shorts and a t-shirt.  Here are some manners that will bring you far in life:  1. Never chew on people, it is never appropriate to chew on people. They don't taste good anyway. 2. Always wear clo...

Earthlings have a weird holiday known as a birthday. What is the accomplishment of living one more year on earth? It's really not that hard. You don't have Slagsfut eating your house, Magmar setting you on fire, and you don't even have Lightning-bugs that shoot lightning. If we had birthdays on my planet, we would have the whole day to build robots. On earth, people celebrate their birthdays with parties. The party gets a theme, like unicorns, pirates, pirate unicorns, or pizza. Out of those choices, I'd get the pizza. Sometimes parents will rent out party places or giant inflatables, and spend a lot of money. Then there are presents, because a giant inflatable, ice cream, cake, and friends aren't enough to celebrate surviving one more year. Presents can't be simple, like a ball, or some blocks. They have to be elaborate and expensive, like an iPhone for a eight-year old. I recently went to a two-year old's party, where they spent hundreds of dollars, ren...