Insults

Humans seem to like to insult other people, but don't like to be insulted. If you look at the internet, there are tons of insults. On my planet we don't insult people. If we don't like someone, we just eat them. OK, I'm kidding, but we do tell our RazorFang to keep them away. Yesterday someone was trying to insult me, apparently. He told me that I'm a fathead. I told him thank you. After all, the brain is 70% fat, and mine's closer to 90%, so I must be smart. He looked kind of mad when he said, "You're awfully stupid." Again I thanked him, figuring that if I'm awful at being stupid I must be smart. He was getting very mad when he said, "Is that your face, or did a naked mole-rat die on your head?" I then told him, "Thank you. I find naked mole-rats quite cute, even if they don't have antenna." I don't see why he kept hitting his head against the wall. Perhaps his head wasn't fat enough.

I have found that humans are very sensitive, and often take compliments as insults. I told a lady that her face looked like a praying mantis. I think praying mantises are beautiful. I don't know why she slapped my face. I told a girl that she was the best thing in my life, next to pizza, bacon, sleeping in, warm fluffy socks, porcupines, robots, and laser pointers. I keep getting my face slapped. At least I wasn't arrested again.

Here are some compliments that should be avoided:

1. I love taking to you. You make me feel smart.

2. You're not worthless. You make a great bad example.

3. That was a great speech. I never would have expected that from you.

4. That dress is great. I really love that it hides your tummy and thighs.

5. You're really pretty for a fat girl.

6. Your cooking doesn't taste too bad.

7. I bought this but it's too big on me. Do you want it?

8. That meal was so good; I must have been hungry.

9. It's nice if you like that sort of thing.

10. You look so good I didn't recognize you.

Farewell, and may your day be as nice as you are.