Greetings Earthlings!

People say they want world peace, but they don't know how to get it. It's like a lot of things humans want--they can picture the goal, but they don't know how to get there. Just like how people say they want to be a pop star, but have no idea how to make it happen. Many humans want to lose weight but don't know how to do it. Since world peace is such a noble goal, and coming from a world with world peace (kind of), might I suggest some methods to bring it? 1. Bring a powerful monster to earth. You will be too busy fighting it to fight each other. That's how my planet does it. 2. Isolate everyone on the planet. There won't be any fights. 3. Hijack everyone's brain and make them pacifists. 4. Teach people to kill their enemies with kindness, or pizza. 5. Get Big-macs and Baywatch to bring the world together. 6. Replace all military weapons with bubble swords and confetti guns. In time, war will come to mean party. 7. Before going to war, have a f...

Human legends talk about mythical creatures. These vary from dragons to gargoyles to centaurs. Many of these creatures actually exist on my planet, but they can be very different.  Griffins aren't half lion; they're half house cat. The main difference is they're smaller. Griffins use feathered flight, which has a weight limit of about 30 pounds. Do you think you can ride them? Then there are the dragons, vary majestic animals, when they start doing stuff. Most of the time they're very lazy, but when they are active, everything runs for cover. My town was built by a sleeping dragon, and it's still asleep. A basilisk is a monster that turns you into stone. Don't worry it doesn't turn your into actual stone. It just petrifies you for a week and turns your skin gray. Gargoyles are stone, or at least they're skin is. Don't let appearances fool you; they're very nice, until you attack, then they swarm you like an ant hill or a bee hive. ...

On this planet there is something called snow, when it is very cold. On my planet we don’t have cold. What we call cold is 80 degrees, so our temperatures are hot, hotter, and death. In heat you feel like you’re going to melt, but in cold you feel like you’re an icicle, not that you feel like your going to turn into an icicle, you actually feel like an icicle. Since I am not used to the cold I have found ten ways to beat it: 1. Burn your homework, turn off the smoke alarms first. Homework is an excellent source of paper. 2. Get a Razor Fang, it will keep your heart rate up and your life expectancy down, but you wont be cold. 3. Remember, give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day, set a man on fire he’s warm for the rest of his life. 4. Drink three cups of lava slushie. If you don’t have access to that, try hot chocolate. 5. Find a baby, girlfriend, porcupine, or other warm blooded creature and snuggle it. Don’t snuggle fish. I hear sleeping with them is undesirable. ...

The Christmas season has officially started. This means that people are madly running around buying presents, spending money they don't have on useless junk that nobody needs. Black Friday is a great deal, if you want to buy five things you don't need, so you can get two things you really don't need. You can get great deals on things that you absolutely don't need, but they convince you you can't live without, or on things that you do need or want, but break on Christmas day. Christmas shopping is really fun if you enjoy crowds and waiting in line for hours. If the store is crowded enough, it's like being in a roller derby or a demolition derby with carts instead of cars. On black Friday be sure to wear proper padding. I wear a hockey uniform. Here are some good gift ideas to remember while you're shopping: 1. Toilet paper. Everybody needs it. 2. Pizza and bacon. Who doesn't like it? 3. Cash. Need I say more? 4. A pillow. Who doesn't like...

It's Thanksgiving week, and so I thought that I would give some helpful advice on being thankful for your blessings. Here are some things to be thankful for: 1. Be thankful that your bills are paid and that food is on the table. If your bills aren't paid, still be thankful that there's food on the table. If there's no food on your table, be thankful that you're breathing. If you're not breathing, seek medical attention. 2. Be thankful for your friends, your family, and all the people who have made a positive impact on your life. 3. Be thankful that you're alive. Less than 5% of all the people who have been born are still alive. If you're dead, and you're still reading this post, that's totally cool, and be thankful that there is an afterlife that you can read this post from. 4. Be thankful for clothes to wear, especially if they're clean. 5. Be thankful for all books, movies, games, and entertainment. Unless you're one of those ...

Humans have a day that they give thanks for all their blessings, by stuffing their face like greedy pigs. Thanksgiving was made by the pilgrims to say thanks to God for the great harvest, but that's not politically correct. Now Thanksgiving is the day of stuffing your face, and cooking, if you call it cooking when you're buying the food already prepared or in cans. Often the day is called turkey day because people mostly think about turkey, not giving thanks. Thanksgiving is also a big football day, because nothing says gratitude like yelling at a TV. Your whole family can yell together. And eating the chips stretches your stomach for dinner.  Then it's Black Friday, which starts on Thursday, and continues from there. People all rush to the store to buy as much as they can, and sometimes they even trample other people. Because, what other way to give thanks than to trample people in an attempt to get cheap stuff? Farewell, and may you be thankful for more than ...

Earthlings have homes made of wood, or brick. My house is made of steel and reinforced concrete. If I tried to make my house out of wood or brick, even a Salyon could eat it. My house also has an orb on the roof. It makes a high frequency, designed to repel Askornons. They could eat the house in one bite. I also have a large courtyard; it's full of all my pets, livestock, and children. The children aren't mine. I just borrow them to eat the slugs. It's a great alternative to eating each other. Inside the house, there are lots of Slakmumor, very useful proto parasites. The interior of my house is lined in Sakalon fur. It keeps it warm in the winter, and very comfortable. Here are some suggestions if you ever come to my planet: 1. Always lick the doormat when you enter a home. 2. Don't feed the animals, the children, or the robots. They work better off oil and batteries than hot dogs. 3. Don't pet the children until they have eaten ten slugs (or two tickle ...