Greetings Earthlings!

This planet has awesome bugs. I mean, come on, when you step on a spider, it doesn't explode or turn into a giant monster. The centipedes aren't five feet long, and don't spit acid; and the flies don't eat your brains. Insects on earth are more manageable, but they're still impressive. For example, ants can lift ten times their body weight, or a thousand times their body weight depending on the size. There are superheros who can't do that, which brings me to my next topic, how superheros save the day sometimes at the cost of their life. Ants do that too. They're braver than some humans. Some bugs are more civilized than some humans--some are not. Thank goodness bedbugs aren't human sized, and that humans don't act like Black Widows. At least I don't think they do; some widows look like they ate their husbands. Insects have some incredible if not bizarre superpowers. A cockroach can survive a nonnuclear bomb or being in a microwave for ten minu...

On my planet, everyone is expected to be able to build a robot by the time he's twelve. In order to do this, our schools must teach math, science, and problem solving. We focus on academics, which is very different from schools on this planet, which focus more on self-esteem. Here two plus two can equal five if you feel good about it. A solution doesn't have to work, as long as people feel good about it. Success doesn't matter to earthlings as much as effort. On my planet if you don't succeed, you end up as a HongerBeast's lunch. Earth students rely heavily on technology and not on their brains. People think they are so smart because they can use technology, but so can a two year old, a monkey, or a sleep-walking porcupine. Schools here don't focus on math, science, and literature. Instead they teach the four Cs, which are: critical thinking, communication, collaboration, and creativity; otherwise known as stuff that is so vaguely defined that it can mean anyt...

Arts are very different on earth than on my planet. On my planet art requires talent. Don't get me wrong, there are some very talented artists on earth, but a lot of art looks like it was done by a porcupine with paint on his butt. Artist don't need to draw pictures, they can just splatter ink on a canvas and call it abstract art. Modern art seems to get extra points if it's offensive, crude, or can go viral online. Marketing seems to determine what's popular more than talent. If I marketed it well, I could probably make money selling photocopies of people's butts. Then there's modern music, which is generally just a bunch of swear words tied together into a rap. Instead of big bands and orchestras, three guys who only know one chord can call themselves a band. Many popular singers get popular off being bizarre, not off talent.  Then there's modern dance, which tends to look like people having seizures on the floor. Seriously, I think that modern danc...

The English language is a mutt, not to be confused with a dog. Dogs make much more sense. If you tell a dog to heel, it will either do it or not do it. English needs to find out if you're talking about heal or heel. Then there is their, or they're. Because over there, they're scratching their heads because there are two too many forms of to. Then there's, "I'll lead you to the lead," where two words that say different things are spelled the same way. I before e unless your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird. And then there's spelling. Why does pterodactyl start with P? Why do knife, know, and knight start with K, but candy doesn't? Maybe the person who made English did it to make lame puns. Whoever made spelling is gust mean. Then there's grammar, which no one understands even thou it's taught in school. In fact, after they learn it, they throw it out the window. ...

Young human boys seem to mature slower then boys on my planet. I believe it's because there are no Zigrolifs Monsters on earth, and robots aren't very patient. I think the soul purpose of little brothers is to chase their sisters around with frogs and to sing the exact same song over and over and over again. I don't understand why little brothers like to pick fights with people twice their size. Fortunately  their is something called a mother to make sure little brothers make it to adulthood. Mothers also keep their children from jumping off the roof, playing in the street, cooking caterpillars over a fire, eating grasshoppers, or throwing their little sisters in the porcupine den. In their defense, little boys do like to learn. They'll learn everything about dinosaurs, planets,  superheros, and annoying their siblings. I think little brothers live by ten rules: 1) If something is funny once it's funny the 500th time. 2) If someone tells you to stop that mean...

Earthlings parents like to protect their children's innocence by not telling them adult stories. Instead they tell their children fairy tales, with content like the heroine getting turned to sea foam, a witch who eats children, bad guys getting their eyes pecked out by birds, and a stepmother wanting to eat her stepdaughters heart. Is this normal? On my planet our favorite story to tell our children is "Fluffy the Bunny and the Fire Demon of Osceon". But since that story doesn't translate to human very well, I will try to construct my own fairy tale for your enjoyment. Once upon a time their was a guy who liked a girl. Unfortunately the she was kidnapped by an Allareon air squid. Wait, you don't have those. How about a witch? I've met plenty of those here, but you seem to pronounce it differently. So the witch captured her with the power of YouTube. Then she forced the girl to work hard and clean the house seven times a day, hypnotizing her with more YouTub...

Some Earthlings seem to enjoy this practice called tattoos. This is where they permanently ink an image on their skin. It can be something pretty like a butterfly or a flower, or it can be something that a porcupine could draw. One of the big problems with tattoos is that over time your skin stretches, and with it the tattoo. Then that butterfly look like a Pterodactyl struck by lightning. If your going to get a tattoo, answer these simple questions: 1) Are you of a sound mind to put anything permanent on your body? Are you drunk, high, or under the influence of stupid friends? 2) Will this tattoo limit your career options to thug, tattoo artist, belly dancer, or prison inmate? 3) Will you still think that Fluffy the bunny, Butch the dog, a cracked skull, or your ex-girlfriend is cute in thirty years? Do you really want to see that every day for the rest of your life? 4)Will your tattoo still look good when you gain twenty pounds? 5) If there's any risk of you ...

Do you suffer from a mild medical condition? If so, our medicine will relieve all symptoms of your disease. Side effects may include: worsening of the symptoms, death, turning into a zombie, or extreme levels of sarcasm. Don't take this if you're pregnant, nursing, operating large machinery, or intelligent. This is what 90% of all medicine ads on this planet are like. I still don't understand them. If something is wrong, isn't the goal to get rid of the problem, not just the symptoms? It might be easy to swallow a pill, then go to the doctor to cure the side effects with another pill, then go to the doctor to cure the side effects of that drug with another pill, and keep doing that until you die. Although it could be worse, I once visited a planet where the cure to all diseases was to kill the host and everything in it, kind of like earths chemo, except they did it with an electric chair. On my planet we don't have medicine. We don't get sick, we eat right and...

I have now seen some earth documentaries and I have come to a conclusion, historians and scientists are over-confident. There are historians who have constructed dinosaurs off one tooth. Once they made the Brontosaurus, which turned out not to exist. Paleontology is the sophisticated science of digging in the dirt, speculating on tiny bits and fragments, and guessing on the rest. When paleontologist first discovered  iguanadon they though it was slow and clumsy with a drooping tail, now they're sure that it was a fast moving graceful beast with a stiff tail. I'm curious what they will be certain of next year. Maybe they'll think Charizard ate porcupines.  Archaeologists also dig in dirt and make guesses on past societies, but they're sure they're right, but they're about as accurate as a two-year-old's drawing of a porcupine. Archeologists get a lot of evidence and come to a conclusion. Then they find evidence of something else, and they then ignore it unt...

Pokemon is a video game where you catch little animals, and trap them in a baseball or a marble, also known as pokeballs, and only let them out to fight other animals. On my planet we only fight animals for survival. Pokemon is one of the most iconic video games on this planet, even though it's set in a world where ten-year-olds roam the world fighting monsters, some of which can destroy city's, and in later generations, the world. There are also crime syndicate's that can be defeated by those ten-year-old's. Is this a normal thing on earth? Why do Pokemon obey their masters when they beet them to a pulp, trapped them in a tiny ball, and only let them out to fight other monsters? Humans don't think through their stories, do they? One of the weirdest things in the Pokemon universe is that the previous ten-year-old's can trap and control the literal god of the Pokemon universe. What? Puny god. Then there's also Pokemon Go which makes you walk around, in...

Why do you humans enjoy staring at boxes? On my planet we do have superior technology, but we use it to do chores so we can spend our time developing talents, studying history, and running away from HongerBeasts. One lessen we learn as young Wafollars is that robots have their limitations. They can't love or feel. They have a terrible fear of magnets, and can't enjoy pizza. Don't get me wrong; I love technology. Without it, I would never have built my spaceship, been able to discover the Zafar system, left robots over my house, or discovered the weakness  of Kryptonians. They're really annoying. Humans seem to use technology to entertain themselves, argue, and look at cat videos. Humans seem to stare at TVs to see other peoples lives because there lives aren't exciting. On my planet life is always exciting, unless you don't think saving your family from a ZiloGriffin is exciting. People seem to stare at handheld boxes instead of talking to other people. With ...

I have recently discovered that humans engage in an activity called sports, which seem to just be fights with rules. We have a sport, it's called running from a Gonderien fire beast. You really don't wan't to loose. Human sports seem to be games where you fight over a ball. I could understand fighting over a girl or a pizza, but a ball? Some professional athletes get millions of dollars a year to tackle people. I don't understand this, my brother tackles me all the time for free. I wouldn't think you'd have to pay them so much to do it. The rules seem to very from sport to sport. In lacrosse, they hit each other with sticks all the time; but in baseball you can't hit each other with a stick at all. The game would be more exciting if they did. The fight extends beyond the arena. The fans yell, scream, curse, fuss, complain, and fight. Sometimes they even come to blows. On my planet we never hit each other. We do occasionally throw a porcupine, but no porcu...

Humans seem to like to categorize people and put labels on them. I find this unusual. I'm often referred to as odd, weird, strange, and unusual. I think those are compliments. A humans called me odd when I ate a grasshopper. I don't see how that's any weirder then eating a hot dog. It's certainly more nutritious. Labels mean very little. There is a very fine line between genius and insanity, or between an idiot and a hero. The difference is success. Archimedes ran thru the streets naked screaming "eureka" and was considered a genius. Yet, Galileo said that the earth orbited the sun and was considered insane, and put on house arrest. Labels are a matter of opinion. Whether someone is a traitor or a hero, or a war is a revolt or a revolution is a matter of opinion. So whether me letting the porcupines loose in the park was a favor to the porcupines or a cruel prank on the kids is just a matter of how you look at it. How was I suppose to know human children's...

Hot dogs aren't made of pretty canines. This is a good thing. The change in diet for me (on this planet) has been extreme. On my planet we eat natural food, but on this planet they seem to eat engineered food. One of these foods is called soda, which has no nutritional value. It does have many unhealthy things in it, and taste something like dirty dish water that a porcupine swam through. I think the only reason people drink it is to burp. It also appears that I don't know the fine art of social burping. I tried. I failed. Don't ask. Humans grow healthy wheat, then they take the good stuff out so that not even bugs will eat it. I think I'd rather eat the bugs. Humans have four food groups, which are: fake sugar, hydrogenated fat, artificial colors, and preservatives. I guess with the first three they need the preservatives so they don't die young of poor health. People seem to pay extra to not have stuff. They make fat-free, sugar-free, peanut-free, nutrient-free...

 I've been on several camp-outs now, and they confuse me. The point of them is to get in tune with nature, so of course campers have to bring half there belongings. People don't even seem to like it, I mean half of what they do is complain about the bugs, heat, humidity, rocks, lack of air conditioning and flushing toilets, possums constantly stealing there food, the total lack of porcupines, and the constant asteroid bombardment -- wait, that only happens on my planet. One of people's favorite things to do on camp-outs is hiking, which is where you walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk with a pack filled with camp-food. The food is confusing too. Sometimes campers bring M.R.E.s, aka, plastic that will never go bad because not even mold will eat it, or they can heat a can of cold beans until it's a warm can of cold beans. Plus, the pizza delivery guy doesn't deliver into the woods. One guy did brave the hike, but the bear got the tip... and the pizza....

Humans seem to have a very twisted idea of aliens. I have now watched many alien movies. There seems to be a pattern of them wanting to destroy all mankind, wanting to eat them, or living just like humans. These are all wrong. What would we have to gain from taking over earth? There are natural disasters. You don't have Slugmuts, so we can't play slime tag. Your economy's messed up. And what about the porcupines? You hardly have any. They're lousy singers. They're not as cuddly here, and they're terrible at bofalball. Why would we want to eat you? Did you know that most aliens are vegetarians? Why would we want to live like humans? We are faster then a speeding bullet, more powerful then a rhino, and able to leap big planets in a single wormhole. Yes, we can open wormholes. Our technology is more advanced than your's. Plus, we can do more then just stare at it. I will write in approximately 1440 minutes. Until then, may the snegafet of Neagafot never eat...

I have found that a lot of things that are misnamed. For example, jogging shoes don't jog. They just sit on the rack and do nothing. And what about reading glasses? They don't read. I sat them on top of a book, and they didn't read a word to me. I put a scrub brush on the floor and told it to scrub, but it just sat there -- very disobedient. On my planet, the robots do whatever you say. The pocket knife wouldn't hold anything, making it a lousy pocket. Blenders are terrible at camouflage. They don't blend into anything, and are really loud.The pick ax couldn't even pick out what to have for lunch. Where do humans come up with these names? They don't seem to do any better with animals ether. Catfish are not cats, but I do like cats; they taste good. Dogfish aren't  dogs. Lion fish don't look like lions at all, and that's just the fish. Bullfrogs aren't part bull, stag beetles aren't part deer, and there are no dragons even thou there a...

I made the mistake of going to the mall with three sisters. My purpose was to buy a machine-gun jet-pack. We never made it to the sporting goods store. We did go to sixteen clothing stores, nine shoe stores, three department stores, six boutiques, four bathrooms, and a bra shop. I was sprayed with fifteen types of cologne; forced to buy a tie, which seems like a leash; and thrown-up on by a child, but that's a long story. After five hours, I was in desperate need of that jet-pack. Not only was I bored out of my mind, I died of starvation -- well, almost. Eventually I was able to crawl with my last breath to the food-court. There I ate fast food. It wasn't very good, but that's something for anther blog. Three days later we left the mall without my jet-pack, but at least we left. But did we go home? No. I learned there are strip malls. We were gone for a week. Tomorrow I'm going with Joe to get the jet-pack. Bye-bye, I'm never going shopping with a girl again. I ...

I'm learning to enjoy this weekend thing. This weekend was longer then usual, due to Labor day, which seems to be a poor choice of words. On my planet on a day of labor, we are all expected to build nine robots, cook twenty-seven meals, and wrestle a Garodean bison. Apparently the people on this planet consider eating food to be a labor. Well, they do have to cook it. They don't have robots to do it for them. I went out to a BBQ, where I waited in line for two hours to eat some animal called a pig. Everyone in line took five minutes to decide they did want a hot dog, and everyone in line forever to figure out what the dishes were. Come on, mac and cheese is mac and cheese. It should be obvious. Plus, watermelon doesn't look like apples, oranges, or ham. No one needs to stare at it for minutes while everyone waits to decide if it's watermelon. It's not Turkish delight, although it does look like safaleon meat, but they don't have those on this planet. Hey, on ...

I have recently learned of something called weekends. Humans seem to work for five days a week and take two off. This is a foreign  concept on my planet. We have robots do all our work. Of course we have to design and build the robots, but that's not work; that's fun. For example, just last week I made a shirt that changes color depending on my mode, sings when I'm happy( because I can't sing), and zaps people when I'm annoyed; No one has annoyed me since, except Alcon, but he wont be in any condition to tell the story soon.  People do weird things on weekends, like play video games. Why would anyone play Plants vs Zombies? On my planet you can go outside and get attacked by plants. They also like to go to the beach and get sunburned. Do people enjoy this? People also seem to enjoy going to the park, Which I understand. They're are slides, swings, rock climbing walls and non of them try to eat you. Plus, the bullies art fire resistant I'm going to tak...