Greetings Earthlings!

Yesterday I talked about insults, so today I'm talking about the opposite, compliments. Compliments can be confusing. For example, they can be misunderstood and thought to be insults, like when I told a friend that she smelled better than a Wongarrean Spraybug. They actually smell very good. I'm pretty sure she didn't know that, or she probably wouldn't have thrown the shoe at me. Compliments can also be taken as more than just compliments. For example, if you walk up to a stranger and say "Your pretty," she will think you're creepy. Creepy and nice apparently are the same thing. Some compliments are very nice in some situations and not in others. For example, if someone ask you if she's pretty, you shouldn't say, "You have a beautiful smile." Women seem to like to throw shoes. "You have good posture," isn't the right answer either. Neither is, "You're more beautiful on the inside than on the outside." ...

Yesterday I spoke of insults, and today I will too. Unfortunately, many of the insults people use are not creative. Many people just resort to swearing. If people are going to insult people, they should at least not make themselves look as dumb as the person they are insulting. For example, instead of calling someone stupid, call him doltish, inane, vapid, obtuse, or puerile. Instead of calling someone fat, call him corpulent, ponderous, porcine, or paunchy. This has several advantages. First, it makes the caller sound smarter than swearing. Second, the person might not even realize that he has been insulted. Personally, I enjoy Shakespearean and Medieval insults, so here are some insults you can use next time you run into a idiot and want to sound smarter than him: 1. Bobolyne: Fool. 2. Cumberworld: Useless. 3. Dalcop: Dull-head. 4. Dew-beater: Clumsy or awkward. 5. Dorbel: Nincompoop. 6. Fustilarian: Stubbornly wastes time on worthless things. 7. Goberm...

Humans seem to like to insult other people, but don't like to be insulted. If you look at the internet, there are tons of insults. On my planet we don't insult people. If we don't like someone, we just eat them. OK, I'm kidding, but we do tell our RazorFang to keep them away. Yesterday someone was trying to insult me, apparently. He told me that I'm a fathead. I told him thank you. After all, the brain is 70% fat, and mine's closer to 90%, so I must be smart. He looked kind of mad when he said, "You're awfully stupid." Again I thanked him, figuring that if I'm awful at being stupid I must be smart. He was getting very mad when he said, "Is that your face, or did a naked mole-rat die on your head?" I then told him, "Thank you. I find naked mole-rats quite cute, even if they don't have antenna." I don't see why he kept hitting his head against the wall. Perhaps his head wasn't fat enough. I have found that human...

Yesterday I was talking about excuses, and I'm talking about them today. I've found that not telling the full truth isn't working all the time, like when I tell them that I was late because I had to feed my little sister. They don't understand why it took three hours. My planet's a long way away, and I had to kill the food first. Plus, my sister ate five TyrannoSlothist two MuleDeer and a slug. Since the lady in charge of the council didn't understand, I explained  to her. I got another encounter with the men in the white coats. I heard that the truth will set you free, and I wanted to get out of the asylum, so I told them the truth. They laughed and asked if I had proof that I'm an alien, so I changed into my true form. There was a lot of screaming and panic, so I changed into my human form. Someone hit me with a tranquilizer. I woke up six hours later in a straight jacket. Did you know I can get out of one in three seconds or less? I got out of the asylu...

I have learned that humans make excuses a lot. It's not just when I bump into a pretty girl and ask her out. Children make lots of excuses for why they didn't do their homework, why they didn't clean their room, or why their brother is duct taped to the wall. I've heard some very interesting excuses, like, "I had car trouble," or "My alarm didn't go off," or "I had to take care of my little sister first." And I'm supposed to believe this? Why won't they believe me when I tell them, "I'm late because the Plutonians needed chocolate chips," or "I was having milk and cookies with Santa Claus"? She just rolled her eyes and said, "Did you say hi to the Easter bunny on the way?" I told her "Of course not. We're going on a date next week." Yes, the Easter bunny is a girl. Do you think a boy decorates eggs like that? When I give excuses, they are legitimate excuses, like, "My pet R...

Yesterday, I spoke about pick up lines. I've had a few more experiences with them. Like when I told a girl, "Our love is like dividing by zero... you cannot define it." She defined it. Don't worry, the bruise on my cheek will heal. Later I went to a party and decided to try some pick up lines. The first girl I tried to talk to, I said, "My love for you is like pi... never ending." It ended right then, right after she poured a pitcher of ice water over my head. The next girl I talked to I said, "How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not know the 7 digits of your phone number?" I thought it worked, until I called. Did you know there's something called the rejection hotline? I did have one success when I literally bumped into someone. As I helped her pick up her books she was carrying, we talked. We ended up going out for ice cream. I think I'll forget the pick up lines and just start bumping into pretty girls. Here are s...

I have recently learned about pick up lines. Unfortunately, I learned about them in very embarrassing ways. Someone asked me, "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes." I looked at her and said, "I have several maps. Which galaxy do you want to go to?" I thought for a moment, "How could you get in my eyes. You can't fit in them, much less get lost in them. And which eyes are you talking about, my two in this form, or my six in my true form?" The police didn't come, but the men in the white coats were very nice. Another time, a lady said, "Do I know you? Because you look exactly like my next boyfriend." I was surprised, and said, "I'm sorry," and changed into another look. Don't worry. The paramedics have treated her for shock, and say she will be fine. Another time a lady told me, "Charizards are red, Squirtles are blue, if you were a pokemon, I'd choose you." I informed her, ...