Greetings Earthlings!

People say they want world peace, but they don't know how to get it. It's like a lot of things humans want--they can picture the goal, but they don't know how to get there. Just like how people say they want to be a pop star, but have no idea how to make it happen. Many humans want to lose weight but don't know how to do it. Since world peace is such a noble goal, and coming from a world with world peace (kind of), might I suggest some methods to bring it? 1. Bring a powerful monster to earth. You will be too busy fighting it to fight each other. That's how my planet does it. 2. Isolate everyone on the planet. There won't be any fights. 3. Hijack everyone's brain and make them pacifists. 4. Teach people to kill their enemies with kindness, or pizza. 5. Get Big-macs and Baywatch to bring the world together. 6. Replace all military weapons with bubble swords and confetti guns. In time, war will come to mean party. 7. Before going to war, have a f

Human legends talk about mythical creatures. These vary from dragons to gargoyles to centaurs. Many of these creatures actually exist on my planet, but they can be very different.  Griffins aren't half lion; they're half house cat. The main difference is they're smaller. Griffins use feathered flight, which has a weight limit of about 30 pounds. Do you think you can ride them? Then there are the dragons, vary majestic animals, when they start doing stuff. Most of the time they're very lazy, but when they are active, everything runs for cover. My town was built by a sleeping dragon, and it's still asleep. A basilisk is a monster that turns you into stone. Don't worry it doesn't turn your into actual stone. It just petrifies you for a week and turns your skin gray. Gargoyles are stone, or at least they're skin is. Don't let appearances fool you; they're very nice, until you attack, then they swarm you like an ant hill or a bee hive.

On this planet there is something called snow, when it is very cold. On my planet we don’t have cold. What we call cold is 80 degrees, so our temperatures are hot, hotter, and death. In heat you feel like you’re going to melt, but in cold you feel like you’re an icicle, not that you feel like your going to turn into an icicle, you actually feel like an icicle. Since I am not used to the cold I have found ten ways to beat it: 1. Burn your homework, turn off the smoke alarms first. Homework is an excellent source of paper. 2. Get a Razor Fang, it will keep your heart rate up and your life expectancy down, but you wont be cold. 3. Remember, give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day, set a man on fire he’s warm for the rest of his life. 4. Drink three cups of lava slushie. If you don’t have access to that, try hot chocolate. 5. Find a baby, girlfriend, porcupine, or other warm blooded creature and snuggle it. Don’t snuggle fish. I hear sleeping with them is undesirable.

The Christmas season has officially started. This means that people are madly running around buying presents, spending money they don't have on useless junk that nobody needs. Black Friday is a great deal, if you want to buy five things you don't need, so you can get two things you really don't need. You can get great deals on things that you absolutely don't need, but they convince you you can't live without, or on things that you do need or want, but break on Christmas day. Christmas shopping is really fun if you enjoy crowds and waiting in line for hours. If the store is crowded enough, it's like being in a roller derby or a demolition derby with carts instead of cars. On black Friday be sure to wear proper padding. I wear a hockey uniform. Here are some good gift ideas to remember while you're shopping: 1. Toilet paper. Everybody needs it. 2. Pizza and bacon. Who doesn't like it? 3. Cash. Need I say more? 4. A pillow. Who doesn't like

It's Thanksgiving week, and so I thought that I would give some helpful advice on being thankful for your blessings. Here are some things to be thankful for: 1. Be thankful that your bills are paid and that food is on the table. If your bills aren't paid, still be thankful that there's food on the table. If there's no food on your table, be thankful that you're breathing. If you're not breathing, seek medical attention. 2. Be thankful for your friends, your family, and all the people who have made a positive impact on your life. 3. Be thankful that you're alive. Less than 5% of all the people who have been born are still alive. If you're dead, and you're still reading this post, that's totally cool, and be thankful that there is an afterlife that you can read this post from. 4. Be thankful for clothes to wear, especially if they're clean. 5. Be thankful for all books, movies, games, and entertainment. Unless you're one of those

Humans have a day that they give thanks for all their blessings, by stuffing their face like greedy pigs. Thanksgiving was made by the pilgrims to say thanks to God for the great harvest, but that's not politically correct. Now Thanksgiving is the day of stuffing your face, and cooking, if you call it cooking when you're buying the food already prepared or in cans. Often the day is called turkey day because people mostly think about turkey, not giving thanks. Thanksgiving is also a big football day, because nothing says gratitude like yelling at a TV. Your whole family can yell together. And eating the chips stretches your stomach for dinner.  Then it's Black Friday, which starts on Thursday, and continues from there. People all rush to the store to buy as much as they can, and sometimes they even trample other people. Because, what other way to give thanks than to trample people in an attempt to get cheap stuff? Farewell, and may you be thankful for more than

Earthlings have homes made of wood, or brick. My house is made of steel and reinforced concrete. If I tried to make my house out of wood or brick, even a Salyon could eat it. My house also has an orb on the roof. It makes a high frequency, designed to repel Askornons. They could eat the house in one bite. I also have a large courtyard; it's full of all my pets, livestock, and children. The children aren't mine. I just borrow them to eat the slugs. It's a great alternative to eating each other. Inside the house, there are lots of Slakmumor, very useful proto parasites. The interior of my house is lined in Sakalon fur. It keeps it warm in the winter, and very comfortable. Here are some suggestions if you ever come to my planet: 1. Always lick the doormat when you enter a home. 2. Don't feed the animals, the children, or the robots. They work better off oil and batteries than hot dogs. 3. Don't pet the children until they have eaten ten slugs (or two tickle

Humans have something called being sick. I really don't recommend it. It's not fun at all; yet their bodies do it anyway. On my planet we have lots of proto-parasites, parasites for parasites. Although, earth doesn't have that many proto-parasites, humans can be sick for several hours to a few days. I don't see why people would want to stay sick for that long. Some people when they're sick take medicine to mask the symptoms; other people lie in bed and cry like a little baby. I think the best way to go when your sick is to watch movies and eat ice cream. In fact, I think I will stop writing and go eat ice cream; but before I do, I'll give you some suggestions on how to not get sick: 1. Have a pet proto-parasite. Make sure it wont eat you. 2. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so eat right, exercise, and pet a Galigor, because not even a sickness will want to be around you if you smell that bad. 3. A good exercise for health is to run fr

Many earthlings like to spend money for a small chance to make more money. The interesting thing about it is that earthlings will continue to do so no matter how much money they lose. For every $100 people put in, the casino will give them $90 - $99 back. People seldom stop when they're ahead, or when they're behind; they just continue playing until they're broke. I don't understand this; why don't they engage in gladiatorial combat for the cash? It would be much more interesting. Many people think of gambling as a way to get money. Are they stupid? If you walk into a ritzy casino, where do you think they got all that money from? It wasn't charity. Gambling is mathematically calculated to be addicting. There are 38 sections on a roulette wheel: 1 - 36 in red and black, and two green sections. If there is a 50% chance of success, then betting on red or black is perfectly fair, but the chance of success is slightly below that, because of the two green sections.

There are two types of people in this world: morning people, and night people. If you tell a morning person to go somewhere at 4:00 AM, he will say, "That's earlier than usual." The night person will say, "I don't think I can stay up that late." Morning people get up early in the morning make their breakfast and sing a happy little morning song. Meanwhile the night person mumbles at them to be quiet, and covers his head with a pillow. Then the morning person tries to wake up the night person, and the night person makes a sound like the mating call of a hippo; so the night person finally gets up and walks around like a zombie. The morning person then ask the night person, "Would you like eggs and bacon, waffles, or freshly squeezed orange juice?" The night person answers by falling asleep on his food. The morning person screams in the night person's ear, "Get up! It's time for breakfast." Sixteen hours latter, the tables have tur

On earth , people have made zoos to make it so they're a safe distance from all the animals who want to eat them. I love this idea. I'm going to tell my people about it. I went to the zoo yesterday, and I saw some truly terrifying creatures, and some truly adorable creatures. The rhinoceros was adorable. Sure, it tried to impale me, but I just jumped out of the way. The bunny at the petting zoo was truly terrifying. It scratched and bit, and that's not all. I't was fast. I can't believe they let kid's play with them. The alligators weren't cute or scary. They just looked dumb. The zoo had a lot of cats that you can't repel with water. That's terrifying. Then I had to address the elephant in the zoo. Is the elephant seriously the biggest land animal on your planet? I've seen birds bigger than that on my planet. I also saw a slug. It's such a magnificent creature, so unique! How does a blob-like creature have so many organs? Then someone told

Some humans are happy; most are pretending to be happy on social media. Humans talk about finding happiness in friendship, love, and being satisfied with who they are. Then they go to their high stress jobs, read magazines that tell them that they're not good enough, and argue with strangers on Facebook. Humans seem to know what will make them happy, but don't know how to do it. Ask any human. Every human has a dream, but most of them haven't figured out how to make their dream come true. It might help them if they had more realistic goals, instead of becoming a princess or a pop star, become president of the United States, or riding a dragon. On my planet most people consider themselves happy if they're still alive. So maybe I can give some tips on how to be happy: 1. Instead of finding everything wrong in your life, count your blessings. If you can't think of any blessings, order a pizza and count your toppings. 2. Instead of arguing with strangers online, l

Humans think they can successfully steal an animal's DNA, and shove it into a plant without making shambling mounds (If you're not familiar with this, look it up in the D&D Monster manual). Scientists still don't fully understand DNA or the organisms anywhere, but they are trying to manipulate both. We have been trying to make plants better with GMO's, but we just make it worse. We have made plants that make their own pesticides; if you're going to poison yourself do it with small amounts of Iocane powder daily until you're immune to it. But don't worry; GMO's are safety tested by companies with no conflict of interest, except they make millions off of it. GMO manufacturers don't like the fact that most people find GMO's disturbing. What's so disturbing about a plant that has been changed with a virus to make poison? What's the worst that could happen? Other than sickness and death. Don't think of them as lab created Frankenfood

Earthlings have a lot of conversations. Of course none of them are face to face. People seem to prefer having conversations with their thumbs, rather then their mouths. People like texting so much that they'll text someone in the same room. Because, why would someone turn his head 90 degrees, formulate sounds to make words, and make those words into sentences when he could just send a text? These seem to be the rules of social media: 1. Your self worth is determined by how many likes your latest selfie got. 2. If someone disagrees with you, the mature response is to insult them, unfriend them, and block them. 3. proper grammar syntax punctuation and speling r overrated 4. Profanity makes you sound sophisticated and intelligent. 5. Always mock those with different opinions. 6. Cat videos are divinely created, and must be shared. Might I suggest some better rules: 1. Ignore all idiots, they're not worth your time. 2. If you wish to avoid controversy, don't p

In my visit to earth I've been able to live like a boy scout. Most boy scout meetings seem to go something like this: long boring speech, long boring speech, something interesting, long boring speech, refreshments. Scout leaders seem to think that the longer the speech, the more special it is, when the boys would rather skip to refreshments. Boy scouts go to scout camp, which is basically a place to buy merritt badges. Environmental science takes three months to complete on your own, but at scout camp it takes a week. You can also go on camp outs, and get poison ivy. They also try to make camp outs as elaborate as they can, then nothing happens. I've found that 80% of all eagle projects are construction, and the other 20% involve hiking paths, or homeless shelters. Plus there's a chance that whatever you make will be torn down. The eagle project is usually considered the hardest part of becoming an eagle, but I say it's the paper work. The official purpose of scouts i

It is odd that everything earthlings make is breakable. As technology improved, things have become more breakable. Take phones for example, if you drop a old fashioned phone it will receive no damage. Drop the latest iPhone you'll get a very different result. It is odd that given modern advancements in technology, things are more likely to break. If you like TV, than you likely have DVD's, you probably also noticed that DVD's only work if they're clean and not scratched.  Laptops and tablets tend to break very easily, and all technology will break if you pour water on it. Are we sure that with all the modern advancements, that we can't make a smart Phone last for a year, or a children's toy that last for a day? It is for this reason that some people think it is intentional. When some piece of technology breaks, you ether have to pay someone to fix it, or pay someone to replace it. It is also cheaper to make something breakable, but that doesn't mean that

Earthlings seem to have something called advertisements. The message of an advertisement is, "You are not happy, or at least not as happy as you could be, so buy our junk." Advertisements will often show things that have nothing to do with what they sell, like clothing adds with little to no clothing. Some companies sell their product by putting celebrities on their product. I'm not quite sure what Captain America has to do with a parent's choice of breakfast cereal. Many advertisements are very misleading, like soda adds often use skinny models, even though soda contributes to obesity. And food on the poster looks nothing like food in the package. I would love to see what adds would look like if they were honest:  Buy our smartphone; it will be outdated by tomorrow. Buy our underwear; it won't look this good on you. Buy our cereal; it has nothing to do with Elsa, but your daughter will whine for it until you cave. Buy our beer because our comme

Apparently earthlings have creatures called shoulder angels and shoulder devils. I find these creatures similar to shoulder dragons from my planet, except the shoulder angel tells you to do good things, the shoulder devil tells you to see what you can get away with, but the shoulder dragon mostly talks about food. If you're wondering if you should cheat on a test, your shoulder angel says no, your shoulder devil says yes. Meanwhile I'm dealing with my shoulder dragon, saying "Put a little salt on the teacher. I'll do the rest." Shoulder dragons are rather hard to deal with, because they give some odd advice. Here are some examples:  If you ask them all "How should I impress this girl?"  The angel says, "Bring her flowers." The devil says "Go for the bad boy attitude." And the dragon says, "Bite her." If you're under-charged at the store, your angel says, "Return the money." Your devil says. "Keep the m