Greetings Earthlings!

I will be leaving earth today. I'll be exploring the life on the planet B-39. If my findings are successful, we'll be making a mining facility. We'll be mining for Thorktrum. It's an element with a thousand uses. Due to my travels I will not be able to write daily, but I will update you on my travels occasionally. I've Enjoyed my stay here, and have learned some very important lessons, like: 1. Don't feed the cat to the lion. That's cannibalism. 2. Don't rip someones arm off. They don't grow back. 3. Don't try to reason with a toddler. 4. The police are really nice if you buy them pizza. 5. Orange peels don't make a good pizza topping. 6. Singing at the top of your voice in a crowded elevator is looked down on. 7. Humans don't like you getting them a pet porcupine. 8. Humans have a weird perception of what a heart looks like. 9. Humans don't find six arms and antennae attractive. It tends to scare them when I chang

I will be leaving this planet soon to explore other planets. My next stop will likely be Sorforon. It is a peaceful planet, inhabited by fluffy bunnies. It orbits a red dwarf star, one of the smallest types of stars. It also lives for a really long time. I can't wait to go to the Icy volcano. I hear the lake in the volcano is like a hot tub. I wouldn't suggest you go there. You might have problems with the extreme temperature changes. I might go to Alflor though. It's a moon orbiting a gas giant. It has very low gravity, and a thick atmosphere, so you can literally swim through the air. I highly recommend it as a vacation spot, although you might be crushed by the atmosphere. Another planet I might visit is Glasor. It is very similar to earth in the climate, but in the inhabitants, not so much. It's inhabited by monsters. I'm used to fighting monsters, you might get eaten. I hear the food is good though. I'm definitely going to Derek's planet and

I've been studying humor, and have learned much about it. Here are some of my findings. One type of humor is the element of surprise. This is when something happens, like you hear a pretty love song, then see it was meant for a dog; or you  hear a poem about a boy's dog, and then at the end it says that it's not his dog, but his little brother. There's also slapstick humor, when you have someone injured in a funny way. George of the Jungle running into trees is a very good example of that. Avengers knocking Norse gods off screen is also slapstick. Hyperbole is over statement, like when you say that it's so cold outside, there were polar bears wearing jackets; or like when you say that my blog is so good, it's read in four galaxies. That's not true; it's only three and a half. Understatement, is when you, well, understate something. One example is in RWBY, when Qrow has realized that he'd been poisoned, he says, "Well, that's unfortun

There seems to be a lot of debate with humans on why the chicken crossed the road. Some say he did it to get to the other side, to get away from Colonel Sanders, to show the possum it was possible, to get to the other slide, to give people something to talk about, because he could, because she saw what you did to her eggs, and because chickens are really stupid. I then learned that this  wasn't a philosophical debate, but was a joke. We do have jokes on my planet, but they are very different. I'm not even going to try to tell you a joke from my planet. You wont get them. Someone Told me, "People on a diet should go to the paint store. There you can get thinner." I didn't need to lose weight. I chose a very healthy form, but a friend of mine said that she wanted to lose weight. That's why I told her that. She just laughed at me. Apparently, that guy wasn't giving me information, but was telling a joke. I have found humans have various categories of joke

There seems to be a strange tradition called Valentine's Day. The day that no matter how long you have loved someone, you have to prove your love by getting them something expensive and impractical; and if you don't get it right, the duration of which you're in the dog house can range from a week to forever! This is why I don't think that we should have Valentine's Day. I think we should have Pizza Day instead. Everyone likes pizza, and if they don't like it they should, so nobody should feel left out. Plus, pizza is much cheaper than jewelry or a dozen roses. There are many things that people find romantic. Here are some things that I find truly romantic: 1. Cleaning out the RazorFang cage together. If you can do that together, you can do anything together. 2. Chocolate dipped bacon. Girls like chocolate; boys like bacon. Serve with pizza. Now there's a romantic evening. 3. Go to Galor. Watch Bofalball all day, and drink Swampaid all night. What mor

I went out with the Easter bunny a few days ago. People have her all wrong, like how they think she's a boy. Why would a boy have eggs like that? She's an Angorian. It's a very interesting race that looks like a cross between a bunny and a person, but don't call them bunnies. They really don't like that. She bought chickens that lay colorful eggs from someone named Derek. He owns his own pet shop where you can design your pet. I asked him for a telepathic squid. He says he's still getting the Zoronean DNA, but he'll make it. There are many different races in the universe, and none of them look like ET. Star Wars and Star Trek get them all wrong too. There is one series that gets it right because it was written by an alien -- Eubos System, books one two and three. They tell you of beings that shoot lightning, that are connected to another dimension, those that shape-shift, the Damians who have a sixth sense, and other cool races that really exist. You rea

Mark Twain once said, "I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough." He was kidding of course, but he also made some very good quotes about compliments, like, "One should not pay a person a compliment and straightway follow it with a criticism . It is better to kiss him now and kick him a next week." It isn't a compliment if it is only to keep the person who complimented you from feeling bad when he insults you. Compliments are best standing alone, like another Mark Twain quote, "Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable." Here is a list of compliments on my planet. Hopefully they work for you: 1. Your antennae look very straight today. 2. Your skin is looking nice and slimy. 3. I love how you almost died fighting that Glorthang, but didn't. 4. Your pudding taste better than SlitherWort dung. 5. You'r

Yesterday I talked about insults, so today I'm talking about the opposite, compliments. Compliments can be confusing. For example, they can be misunderstood and thought to be insults, like when I told a friend that she smelled better than a Wongarrean Spraybug. They actually smell very good. I'm pretty sure she didn't know that, or she probably wouldn't have thrown the shoe at me. Compliments can also be taken as more than just compliments. For example, if you walk up to a stranger and say "Your pretty," she will think you're creepy. Creepy and nice apparently are the same thing. Some compliments are very nice in some situations and not in others. For example, if someone ask you if she's pretty, you shouldn't say, "You have a beautiful smile." Women seem to like to throw shoes. "You have good posture," isn't the right answer either. Neither is, "You're more beautiful on the inside than on the outside." "

Yesterday I spoke of insults, and today I will too. Unfortunately, many of the insults people use are not creative. Many people just resort to swearing. If people are going to insult people, they should at least not make themselves look as dumb as the person they are insulting. For example, instead of calling someone stupid, call him doltish, inane, vapid, obtuse, or puerile. Instead of calling someone fat, call him corpulent, ponderous, porcine, or paunchy. This has several advantages. First, it makes the caller sound smarter than swearing. Second, the person might not even realize that he has been insulted. Personally, I enjoy Shakespearean and Medieval insults, so here are some insults you can use next time you run into a idiot and want to sound smarter than him: 1. Bobolyne: Fool. 2. Cumberworld: Useless. 3. Dalcop: Dull-head. 4. Dew-beater: Clumsy or awkward. 5. Dorbel: Nincompoop. 6. Fustilarian: Stubbornly wastes time on worthless things. 7. Goberm

Humans seem to like to insult other people, but don't like to be insulted. If you look at the internet, there are tons of insults. On my planet we don't insult people. If we don't like someone, we just eat them. OK, I'm kidding, but we do tell our RazorFang to keep them away. Yesterday someone was trying to insult me, apparently. He told me that I'm a fathead. I told him thank you. After all, the brain is 70% fat, and mine's closer to 90%, so I must be smart. He looked kind of mad when he said, "You're awfully stupid." Again I thanked him, figuring that if I'm awful at being stupid I must be smart. He was getting very mad when he said, "Is that your face, or did a naked mole-rat die on your head?" I then told him, "Thank you. I find naked mole-rats quite cute, even if they don't have antenna." I don't see why he kept hitting his head against the wall. Perhaps his head wasn't fat enough. I have found that human

Yesterday I was talking about excuses, and I'm talking about them today. I've found that not telling the full truth isn't working all the time, like when I tell them that I was late because I had to feed my little sister. They don't understand why it took three hours. My planet's a long way away, and I had to kill the food first. Plus, my sister ate five TyrannoSlothist two MuleDeer and a slug. Since the lady in charge of the council didn't understand, I explained  to her. I got another encounter with the men in the white coats. I heard that the truth will set you free, and I wanted to get out of the asylum, so I told them the truth. They laughed and asked if I had proof that I'm an alien, so I changed into my true form. There was a lot of screaming and panic, so I changed into my human form. Someone hit me with a tranquilizer. I woke up six hours later in a straight jacket. Did you know I can get out of one in three seconds or less? I got out of the asylu

I have learned that humans make excuses a lot. It's not just when I bump into a pretty girl and ask her out. Children make lots of excuses for why they didn't do their homework, why they didn't clean their room, or why their brother is duct taped to the wall. I've heard some very interesting excuses, like, "I had car trouble," or "My alarm didn't go off," or "I had to take care of my little sister first." And I'm supposed to believe this? Why won't they believe me when I tell them, "I'm late because the Plutonians needed chocolate chips," or "I was having milk and cookies with Santa Claus"? She just rolled her eyes and said, "Did you say hi to the Easter bunny on the way?" I told her "Of course not. We're going on a date next week." Yes, the Easter bunny is a girl. Do you think a boy decorates eggs like that? When I give excuses, they are legitimate excuses, like, "My pet R