Greetings Earthlings!

Christmas break is coming soon. This is very good because this means no school, no homework, and no falling asleep in class. It's too cold to do outdoor activities though. Can we celebrate Christmas in the spring? Personally, I will spend my Christmas in the Bahamas. If I can't go there, I will spend my Christmas inside drinking hot chocolate, reading a good book. I will also play a lot of snofalblot with my family. Most people are excited to go home after their hectic lives. Then they stay home for a day and go stir crazy and have to leave the house and go shopping. Shopping can be a very expensive hobby. So here are some ideas on how to enjoy being in the house: 1. Play tidilywankers. If you're not familiar with the rules, look it up on the galactic internet. 2. Pillow fights, they're always fun. 3. Make up stories with your family. No matter how far-fetched it sounds, I can think of a planet that that can happen on. 4. Bake cookies to bring to people, ...

Christmas is a time of getting while the getting is still good...Wait wait wait...I have just been told that it is a time of giving. That surprises me with how people act. Still, I'll go with giving. It's good to give, unless you're giving them a punch in the nose, the flu, or a Razor Shark. I also don't recommend giving someone fried Taser Eels; pizza is better. Yet, Christmas is a time to give, usually useless overpriced items that nobody needs. Instead of giving people useless junk for Christmas, give them something they might actually like; unless they're kids, then all they want is useless junk. A few hours of free babysitting makes a very good gift, as does delivering dinner on a busy day. You can play with kids. They probably will enjoy that more than the toy. You can visit the elderly. You can always feed the poor, although I'm not sure what you're suppose to feed them to. HongerBeast don't find them meaty enough; and Pooch is a vegetarian. H...

Earthlings seem to think that their children need lots of toys, and that those toys should be expensive. There are lots of different types of children's toys. There are the annoying and obnoxious toys, that make you want to claw your ears out because they're so loud and play the same song over and over and over again. We can only listen to Mary had a Little Lamb so many times. You can buy a really expensive toy for them, and they play with the box. You can also buy them a cheap toy that breaks in five minutes, or you can buy an expensive toy that breaks in five minutes. Many toys now are made to sell products. You can buy a blue dress or a blue dress with Elsa on it for twice as much. You can buy a shirt for your son or a shirt with spider man on it for five times the price. Many children's books are just product placement, and so are many movies. Producers might as well call their children's movie "Buy Our Stuff." Here are my best ideas on children's ...

If my advice from yesterday didn't work, then here's advice on how to handle your break up. Too many people do cruel and illegal things to their ex's; such as vandalizing his(or her) car. So here are some things to do if you break up: 1. Give him a nice gift, like 40 pigs. Then his yard will smell as badly as he does. 2. Give him a dog that is trained to attack any time he says your name. He'll stop saying bad things about you quickly. 3. Send him a nice box of chocolate. Then after he finishes them,  tell him they were chocolate covered ants. 4. Sign him up for America's Got Talent, so he can show everyone how bad he is at it. 5. Send him some scented candles: eau de skunk, dirty diaper, and sweaty gym socks. 6. Instead of vandalizing his car, fill it with packing peanuts. 7. Send a letter to Pluto in his name saying he really want to join their society, and would they please come pick him up. 8. Put his name on all the single sites i...

Like on earth, my people get married. Unlike earth, my people don't get divorced, remarried, divorced again, and seek eternal vengeance on their ex's soul. We would never do something like that; we just mail them a StinkRat. Earthlings are always trying to make relationships stay together. Personally, I would recommend duct tape. On my planet, when a couple is thinking of a divorce, we drop them in a pit of Viperous Winged Dogs. They reconcile really quickly. Since you don't have Viperous Winged Dogs, hear are some ways to keep a relationship together: 1.Make a prenuptial agreement, that you will go skinny dipping with Razor sharks before you get divorced. 2. Duct tape yourself to your spouse. 3. Use a car battery to put a spark back in your relationship. 4. Decide all arguments with a game of Twister. 5. Spend all your money; you won't be able to afford a divorce. 6. Have lots of children. You won't see your spouse to fight. 7. Don't ...

It is supposed to snow today. I think I'll stay inside. What's the point of a snow day if you don't have Solkeon Snow Monsters to ride? And we've already established that Plutonians won't visit this year. Snow is very inconvenient. Earthlings drive cars, and snow slows down traffic. It also causes more car accidents. Lets make a no snow zone on the road. Snow can fall on the yards, it can fall on the roof, but it really ought to stay off the road. We need to file a complaint to the national weather committee. You have that, right? If it has to snow, then here are some fun activities to make the snow day more bearable: 1. Build a snowman--out of mashed potatoes, in your house, under a blanket. Marshmallows work too. 2. Go sledding--down your stairs, in a sleeping bag, in your house. 3. Make snow angels--out of cookies, in the kitchen, with the oven on. 4. Make a snow fort--out of couch cushions and pillows. 5. Have a snow ball fight--with rolled up socks,...

Divelians are a race from another planet with a love for theatrics. Seriously, you can't ask to borrow some Sogtop eggs without it becoming a production number. Just don't believe anything that they tell you. I learned this the hard way. The whole city played along with it just to pull my leg. I spent a hundred years thinking that mirrors made them melt. Even to this day, they call me Mirror Boy. I mentioned that Divelians like to convince earthlings they're gods. In fact, they had a centennial competition to see who could convince earthling of the weirdest things. Winners included the Egyptian goddess of cats who turned into a cow when she got angry, the origin of the Greek goddess of love, the Egyptian prince dying every night, and so many more bizarre things in mythologies. Fortunately, the Divelians have moved their competition to another planet. That's good, because I don't think that earthlings want to believe that trees contain the souls of their ancestor...

People think that Santa Clause is a fat guy that rides a magic sleigh pulled by 8 magic reindeer and jumps down chimneys to give kids presents. The truth is much easier to believe. The Plutonians are a colony of ice-dwelling creatures that came here from a planet that was destroyed by war, so the Plutonians are all pacifists. They are also extremely organized and efficient workers. The Plutonians used to visit every winter to enjoy the warm air. If you have ever seen a crazy person in swim trunks in the snow, that's a Plutonian. A certain Plutonian was friends with Saint Nick. In fact, if you ever heard of the legend of Saint Nicholas, you probably know that Saint Nick threw coins into the home of a woman who was about to get married, and it landed in her stocking. What you didn't know is that that they were Plutonians (the couple). They were so grateful, that they wanted to keep the legend alive forever, or at least for the next thousand or two years. Santa, or Grograns as t...

Earthlings think that they live on the only planet with the only intelligent life. That's so cute, and so laughable. But what they don't realize is that they hardly count as intelligent life. Most planets containing life have species that have far greater intelligence than humans. They're also less violent. I don't get the deal of martians. Actually your closest neighbors are Plutonians, and they're mad that earthlings don't consider them a planet any more. That's why they stopped visiting, except for Santa Clause. He still comes around; he's weird. I love visiting KX3 on my way to earth. The people there are very nice, as long as you bring them something to eat; otherwise they will eat you. I found this out the hard way, and almost lost a limb. But really they are absolutely delightful when they're full. The people of Alceron are very intelligent, and very very good cooks. The only problem is that if you go there, they will feed you, a lo...

Buying gifts can be a difficult and stressful thing. People think that buying gifts for girls is simple because they can always buy chocolates, jewelry, or a pretty sweater. It's not that simple. Does the girl like dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Is she going to make assumptions about the relationship based off the jewelry? Be very wary about clothes. If a guy give a girl a sweater and it's the wrong size, then he's saying she's fat, or making her feel fat. If a guy doesn't spend enough  money on her, he's cheap, but if he spends too much money, he wasted it. Men aren't supposed to buy something practical for his girlfriend; that's not romantic enough. But if he buys some impractical, she will never use it. Food gifts are out, because she could be on a diet. Perfumes are out because she could be allergic. Bath salts are out because that indicates that she smells bad. Pretty much, everything is out, but you still have to buy a gift. Guys are easy to ...

It's almost Christmas, but I heard that on earth that it is not politically correct to say Christmas. So instead I'll say "It's almost a non-denominational winter holiday." So according to political correctness we can't say Merry Christmas. Instead we're supposed to say "Happy holidays" or "Seasons greetings." According to political correctness we light up our Holiday trees, while singing winter songs, and watching shows like "Frosty the Snowperson," "How the Grinch Stole a Very Festive Event," "White Winter" and "A Holiday Carol." After that we read "Twas the Night Before December 25." The children await Santa Claus. But we can't speak his name, because he is a white guy who oppresses elves for a living and judges children, which determines if they get presents. What happened to equality? shouldn't all children get the same number of presents, and have the same presents? ...